Don't Worry, Don't Hurry & Don't Hate

Roy Jones 90th Birthday surrounded by his family

Don’t Worry! Don’t Hurry! And Don’t Hate! These words have been touchstones for me throughout my life. I heard them first when I was a little boy from the lips of my grandfather, Roy H. Jones. Grand Dad was a man of the ages. He was born in 1875 (the year before both the birth his beloved Chicago Cubs and the Battle of The Little Bighorn or Custer’s Last Stand). His lifetime spanned almost 100 years. During that time Roy saw the world transformed from one in which he worked behind a horse drawn hay wagon at age eight to one in which humans walked on the moon when he was 94. Cars, Airplanes, Indoor Plumbing, Electric lights, World Wars and most everything else happened in between. Very few things remained the same (except perhaps the lovable losers at Wrigley Field). He affected the lives of many, many people. That motto, “Don’t Worry! Don’t Hurry! And Don’t Hate!” was what he lived by. It was his guiding principle, his ideal. It helped him live his life as a farmer, a teacher, a businessman, a husband, a parent (grandparent, great grandparent, great-great grandparent), and a community leader. It saw him through the Great Depression in which he lost his fortune, the death of his mother and father, wife, two children, the death of grandchildren and the murder of a grandchild as well as countless other heart aches. It was his guide in gaining riches, influence and political authority. He passed those words along in what he said and in what he did. Most of all, Don’t Worry! Don’t Hurry! And Don’t Hate!, was the mantra of sorts that led him to his spiritual center. It was the place that he went to for perspective. He was a deeply spiritual person. Roy attended church services at the Methodist Church in Monticello, Illinois all of his life. Admittedly, Sundays sometimes found him at his office with some of “the boys” playing a friendly game of poker or gin rummy. But his spirituality went way beyond the doors of the church. He was the most positive person I have ever met. He radiated love, compassion, confidence and a good natured sense of humor. The question that I have asked myself over and over was “How the hell did he do it?” The world can be a pretty tough place with a pretty tough crowd. How do you stay centered with all of the noise and turmoil and demands of our lives?

There never seems to be enough time. I believe that this problem of time plagues us today…perhaps more than any time in history. We seem to be victims of it, really. From our waking to our falling asleep we are in a kind of battle with time. Determined to win and destined to lose. There is either not enough of it or there is too much of it. It moves too slowly or quickly. Our competitive system demands that we not only succeed at something but that we are constantly accountable. Time is the marker by which we determine how well we are doing against these provisos. Many of us live our lives filled with the exceptional stress that accompanies such an existence. We feel that we are only present and surviving. When will there be time for me and for the ones that I love? Where is the fulfillment that I desire? What is the purpose of it all?

I have the daily experience of encountering people who carry cell phones and lap tops with them wherever they go. I must confess that, at times, I have been one of them. We stand in line at the market and hear cellular beeps everywhere. They are ringing and chiming in movies, at ball games, concerts and even at church. This is a recent encounter that I had: 

A solitary person sits at a table at his favorite restaurant pecking away at the computer. Abruptly, the cell phone goes off. “Hi Tom what’s up?” (He knows who it is already of course because of the caller ID feature). “I’m working on it right now, boss.” (He has probably already put in eleven hours at the office). “I can’t get on line at this restaurant. No WIFI.” (He listens for a minute as his entrée arrives). “Sure I can adjust to that deadline. I’ll head back to the office right now and finish it off tonight.” (He asks for a Doggie Bag and leaves).

Do we really have such a desire and need for security, money or power? I hope not. We are attempting to escape in the name of survival. We do not want to feel the unpleasant feelings of fear, loneliness, sadness, shame and frustration (among others). Our excessive use of alcohol and other drugs is an indicator of this truth. We are seeking comfort and relief. The alleviation that we are pursuing is attainable. We do not have to run away from the world and the culture in which we live. On the contrary! The goal is to say YES to life with all of its pain and all of its joy. In order to do this we must participate in it fully.

The stressors and difficulties that were just mentioned as well as the ability to say YES are, in fact, spiritual issues. The good news is that you already have the spiritual answers. You can achieve emotional and spiritual peace in an insecure world. There is a way to stop competing with time. There is a way to follow your own program for living. Even in the face of war and terrorism, a volatile economy and a worsening ecology we can live in harmony and serenity, live without worry and hate. We can be happy. We can stand to be vulnerable. We can find acceptance within ourselves and with our God. The rewards are immense. Just ask Roy Jones, “Don’t Worry! Don’t Hurry! And Don’t Hate!” Life is good!

The Mystery of Hard Times

There is a mysteriousness that surrounds the interruption of our plans and visions.  It has been said that this mystery is the doorway to all understanding.  One day everything seems to be going according to the script that we have written and then, out of the blue, things turn upside down.  Jobs are lost, health situations become problematic, losses occur.  Life has taken us to places we didn’t want to go. John makes scriptural reference to this when he quotes Jesus as saying "I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go."  None-the-less, it makes us feel as if something has gone wrong.  We must have made a mistake somewhere along the line. Perhaps we are being punished for something.  It is acutally sometimes the only way that we can be taken the different place.  There are reasons that go furhter than our own ability to reason. These hard knocks and trials are designed to deepen our experience of life.

Often it takes something major to wake us up. It is loss of control more than anything else that humbles us and enables us to see the big picture. It reminds us that what we know and understand is a small fraction of the great mystery of our existence.  The key to the understanding lies in what we do not know. This awareness broadens us as we release our resistance to reality. Joy exists within us independently of whether things go our way or not. We can trust that we will find that joy if we are willing to surrender to the situation. It is a matter of allowing our difficulties to deepen our understanding of life rather than leading us to despair.  We will emerge transformed, braver and more confident for having moved through the darkness.

Wounded Healers

Lighthouse at Hillsboro Inlet, Pompano Beach, Florida

It is impossible to go through life without suffering. Henri Nouwen once said that "When our wounds cease to be a source of shame and become a source of healing, we have become wounded healers.” We are scarred by losses, disappointments, cruelty and a variety of tragic experiences. The result can be as devastating as the wounding itself. We find ourselves closed off from each other, isolated in our pain or filled with resentment. Some of us turn to the numbing effects of drugs and alcohol for relief. Time does not heal. It is almost impossible to forget or to go on as if nothing happened.

We each have the ability to rise above the issues of pain and shame. There are many people who are testimonies of inspiration. Lance Armstrong, diagnosed with life threatening cancer, was determined to overcome it.  He continued to win cycling tournaments and is a tireless fundraiser for others with the disease through his LIVESTRONG foundation. Bill Wilson, a failed Wall Street broker, turned into a hopeless drunk.  He was inspired in his darkness and created Alcoholics Anonymous.  Millions around the world have been saved through his example.  These men, like so many people, became teachers who have empowered others to trust themselves to go beyond the pain. We call them wounded healers.

The wounded healer is a beacon of hope.  Those who suffer are able to see a flicker of light from the distant lighthouse.  The healer represents the possibility that things can actually work out.  Their willing hand, guidance and encouragement has meaning because of their common experience and solidarity with us.  The message becomes a clear one. If I can survive this...so can you.  A transformation takes place.

Suffering and illness do not have to define us in a negative way. Making the wound visible allows us to become a source of wisdom, healing power and an inspiration to others.

Independence Day ~ Coming Home

Joan French Home in Peoria

There are so many good memories that surround the 4th of July that it has the feeling of coming back home.  We take time off from work-a-day life in anticipation of something spectacular.  Families gathering at reunions, grills firing up, baseball games, trips to national parks, vacations and picnics are just some of the activities that surround our national birthday celebration.  The fireworks from Washington, DC to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Peoria, Illinois, Ft. Lauderdale, Florida and San Francisco, California spread "the rockets red glare" across the skies of America.

2009 Fireworks in Peoria, Illinois

The nostalgic sense of coming back happens regardless of the things that we do on Independence Day.   We leave home in one way or another by pursing our dreams and fortunes.  We go out on our own, fulfilling obligations, succeeding and failing in our many endeavors.  This process does not require moving or running away from where we are born. It happens even when we stay put in the place of our birth. There comes a longing for home, that which we have experienced in the distant and not-so-distant past. We want to be welcomed by loved ones without a need for explanations or excuses. We want to be honored guests at a party that are embraced by the happiness of being seen again. Much of this seems to be realized and gained on the Fourth of July.

I was in Peoria, Illinois last year among my extended Jones family. All of the first cousins and many of their spouses, children and grandchildren came together for a reunion in celebration of our eldest cousin’s 80th birthday. There was a steam boat trip up the Illinois River, big parties, a trip to the Wildlife Prairie Park, fireworks and little gatherings of kinfolk for several days. It reminded me of what is really important. I had the undeniable sense of being home even though Peoria was never a place where I lived.

Wildlife Prairie Park

We have much for which to be thankful. The founders of our country set up a dynamic system of freedom that allows us to have such strong feelings of home, connection and patriotism. There is no other place on earth that has such a celebration.  Disgruntled people on the extreme right or left of the political spectrum can put aside their quarrels with the knowledge that our virtues far outweigh our shortcomings. It is the most exceptional culture and form of government that has ever been. We should never take it for granted. It is our country. We are welcomed back home from sea to shining sea every 4th of July.

French Family at Peoria Reunion

The Hero's Journey

The great legends, mythology, and scripture are told and retold throughout the ages by storytellers and authors. There is always a consistent theme. The hero finds him or herself in a situation that is unlike any other. Life as it was is no more. Overcoming or succumbing to the problem will result in a change for not only the unsuspecting hero but for the community at large as well. A young hunter finds a mysterious feather and ends up in perilous struggles until he overthrows evil and marries the woman of his dreams. Moses discovers his true identity and leads his people to freedom. Jesus goes into the desert and emerges with the message of salvation. Jason goes on a quest for the Golden Fleece and becomes king. Cinderella finds her fingerprints in the ashes of the hearth and becomes the princess. The tales can be found in practically every novel ever written or film produced. They are what we want to read, see and hear. The stories are told and endure so that we can identify and follow the hero path in our personal lives.

The work of Joseph Campbell has been compelling to me. He made the point that everyone is the hero of their own story. It is being written from the time of our birth until we draw our last breath. The acceptance of this fact, whether we choose to participate and engage life with that knowledge, is relevant only to the extent that we meaningfully play the part. Sitting on the side of the road and waiting for something to happen is as much a tale as crossing the threshold and slaying our personal dragons. Either way, it is the process that underlies any growth, learning, and self discovery.

The idea is to accomplish something that transcends the ordinary. These situations present themselves in every challenge or change that happens in our lives. Every love found or lost, every birth and death presents the prospect of transformation. Every move to a new school, job, or town opens the chance to stop being what we were and to start becoming who we can be. Every situation which confronts us with something new or which forces us to re-evaluate ourselves presents us with possibilities for insight and growth.

We can own the fact that we are the hero and, in so doing, will discover that we have defined ourselves too narrowly. There will be a transformation in our behavior. We find ourselves with a new perspective and skills needed to face challenges that present themselves. We begin to act with honor and gain the wisdom to guide others through their own challenges. There is no time like the present to seize the opportunity. This is the way to a life filled with flavor and adventure.

Loneliness

There is a song by John Prine which explores the intensity of loneliness like few others that I have heard.  It is called "Hello In There".  The lyrics of the chorus are compelling:

Ya' know that old trees just grow stronger,

And old rivers grow wilder ev'ry day.

Old people just grow lonesome

Waiting for someone to say, "Hello in there, hello."

Loneliness is certainly not experienced only by the elderly. We all know how it feels.  It is a sense that we are cut off from the rest of the world. Loneliness is unchosen and unwanted solitude which can lead to depression and hopelessness.  It becomes intolerable.

We may be tempted to feel that our bond of belonging has shredded or snapped after a painful rejection or a loved one’s death. Our heart breaks and we feel ourselves falling into a vastness too frightening to enter. There is a fear that the love we have lost came only from that source.

The truth is that we have always belonged to something greater than ourselves. We have always been loved. 

Loneliness disappears when we begin to accept each sorrow as a part of life that will come and go. It will leave us when we extend our hand to another. We will become connected by exploring new alternatives and paths to relationships.  Always remember that you are fully loved at all times and in all places.  It extends beyond the difficulties of here and now or the limits of time and space.

So if you're walking down the street sometime

And spot some hollow ancient eyes,

Please don't just pass 'em by and stare

As if you didn't care, say, "Hello in there, hello"

First Day of Summer

Tiger Swallowtail

The first day of summer is a triumph of light over darkness. We have the opportunity to mark the longest day of the year with celebration. Nothing that has happened or will happen that can overshadow the fact that life goes on. The seasons implore us to participate in this grand adventure. Today is a day to make memories.

You're It!!!

I remember the summer as an endless adventure.  I was never one to sleep in like most of my friends.  The first light of dawn meant freedom and unknown destinations.  The hardest part of the day was waiting for my buddies to get out of bed and join me.  Sometimes I would sit in their backyards or pace around the neighborhood planning the many possibilities that lay ahead.  There were bikes to ride, forts to build, lakes to swim, apples to steal from nearby trees, butteflys to chase and games to play.  Finally everyone would be up, done with breakfast, and off we would go.  Imagination was all that was required to conquer the Nazi's, win the Civil War or overtake wild indians.  The A&W had ice cold root beer in chilled glass mugs and The Custard Cup had fudge sundaes and green rivers.  Hard to choose.  Rainy days only interrupted the action if there was a long downpour or lightning.  There was always plenty to do inside when four kids gathered.

Danville, Ilinois old A&W

Daytime ended with the sound of parents putting their hands up to their mouths hollering our names and telling us to come in for dinner.  We ate with our families but the fun was far from over.  Night time meant playing kick-the-can or hide-and-seek in the front yards.  There were lightning bugs to trap in grass lined mason jars.  Of course we always let them go.  Well almost always anyway. Sometimes we would have sleepovers or camp in tents outside somebody's house. Great sport came from setting off firecrackers and cherry bombs or running around naked without getting caught.  Kids have a way of becoming invisible.  Bedtime usually involved falling asleep on too warm sheets scheming for the next days fun.  How could anyone be bored in the summer?

The start of summer is connected with good things. There are still lighning bugs to catch, vacations, family reunions, swimming, running through sprinklers, cold watermelon and corn on the cob. It is time to have some fun. Summer is endless and beautiful in memories only if we take time to make some.