New Year Reconciliation

Rembrandt's Prodigal Son

Many of us have a tradition of making resolutions for the New Year.  We give some thought to how we would like to improve ourselves and create a better coming year.  This is certainly one of the best customs that we follow.  It is true that many of the promises fade into oblivion prior to the Spring Thaw but some of them do not.  We really do put an effort into changing.  What a wonderful transformation might occur if one of those resolutions was to begin engaging in the process of reconciliation with those people that we have wronged or who have harmed us.  The weight of resentment would be lifted from our shoulders.  Our world would be made over with the clouds of bitterness dispelled.

Reconciliation is very different from forgiveness.  Forgiveness means letting go of the offenses that have caused us pain and suffering.  It means releasing thoughts of revenge and retribution.  We do not need an apology from the person who has harmed us.  Forgiveness is first and foremost for the forgiver.  The other person may never know what you have done.  Your heart is unburdened by the past that is unchangeable.

Reconciliation is a commitment to the future. This process, unlike forgiveness, cannot happen unilaterally.  It means actually returning to some degree of friendliness between parties.  A mutual trust has to be reestablished. The first step to reconciliation requires that we accept our own part in the wrongdoing.  We cannot be reconciled if we hold ourselves completely innocent.  We have to establish that each person is responsible for their own actions and that all of us have a right to our feelings and perceptions.  We must commit to ethical standards that enable us to trust that we won’t be hurt in the future.

Genuine reconciliation cannot solely be based on a desire for harmony. It requires a mutual commitment. There are four ethical principles which are indispensable foundations for meaningful reconciliation.

1.  First do no harm

2.  Everyone deserves respect

3.  We have a responsibility to put ourselves in the shoes of the other person

4.  We are always responsible for our own actions

Forgiveness alone isn’t enough to make reconciliation possible. It’s only possible when both parties in the dispute have the willingness, maturity, integrity, and honesty that are essential to the process. Forgiveness is never impossible even in cases where there is no chance for reconciliation. May this new year be one in which we all attempt to engage in amends making, forgiveness and reconciliation.

Good Friday

The observance of Good Friday allows people to explore the depths of their own emptiness. We have the opportunity to understand that within our full and busy lives is the heart of a child who has been misunderstood. We find the wounds of loneliness, abandonment, insecurity, frustration, grief and agony that we avoid touching at all costs. This kind of suffering is universal to all, but unique unto each individual. How can going to this sad place serve any purpose? Why should we stop for a moment to savor the ugly? The reason is to fully accept, recognize and grasp our own humanity.

It is only through an acceptance of our own suffering that we can become truly useful to others. We have been broken in order that we might be given to others. I am reminded of the lyrics of “The Rose” performed by Bette Midler:

It's the heart afraid of breaking

that never learns to dance.

It's the dream afraid of waking

that never takes the chance.

It's the one who won't be taken,

who cannot seem to give,

and the soul afraid of dying

that never learns to live.

These acts of reflection and acceptance lead to reconciliation. Reconciliation leads to meaningful service to others. That is what makes Good Friday good.

Looking Back

Celebration of the New Year gives us the unique opportunity to reflect.  This marks the end of the first decade of the century.  We have experienced triumph and defeat, joy and sorrow, abundance and loss.  Our personal lives have been changed in ten years.  We are older and more experienced.  It would be appropriate if our reminiscence of the year and decade included the harm that we might have unintentionally or intentionally inflicted. It is impossible to think that we have lived without somehow damaging or offending others.  This is a good time to sort it all out.

Sometimes we leave damage in our wake despite the best intentions. People have feelings that are hurt because we were seemingling thoughtless or reckless.  We have done or failed to do things that have damaged relationships.  This creates a need for reconciliation by the making of amends. We must first admit our wrongdoing and apologize.  Then we proceed to set things right. We make ourselves vulnerable and  take down the walls that separate us by doing this. Finally, we pledge to refrain from the damaging behavior in the future.

The healing that springs forth from reconciliation is beyond our greatest expectations. We begin to live a life without regrets. Trust and harmony become the cornerstones of our relationships. We find ourselves as the benefactors and recipients of love and compassion. We build coalitions instead of seeking isolation. Diversity is no longer frightening. There is nothing that is so important that it should stand in the way of this miraculous process. What a terrific way to turn the new page of 2010.