Broken promises, lies, theft and abuse (physical, emotional or sexual) are the most common offenses perpetrated by people that we love and admire which diminish or destroy trust. The remnants of relationships that survive these transgressions are fragile, dysfunctional or badly broken. We are no longer able to go about our daily activities without worry, resentment, fear, anger or sadness. It seems that nothing will ever be the same.
Living with the burden of violated trust can be as destructive as the offense that caused the problem in the first place. Both victim and perpetrator feel like they are walking on eggshells and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Tension is in the air to one degree or another most all of the time. We are afraid to talk about it because the arguments never end well. So there exists an elephant in the living room that everyone unsuccessfully tries to ignore. We are never fully comfortable with each other. This kind of situation cannot continue and there is no reason to let it do so. We must either take specific steps to resolve the issue or end the relationship once and for all.
Resolving the issue is always the best idea except in cases of abuse. Those who resort to physical or sexual abuse cannot be given another opportunity to offend. It is too dangerous and the chances of resuming a healthy relationship are practically impossible. Emotional abuse can be just as harmful and destructive. The best idea is to get out and get away from people who hurt us in these ways. It is easier said than done but must be carried out none-the-less. Our obligation is to forgive ourselves for staying around as long as we did and separate from the situation as soon as possible.
Resolution of non-abusive broken trust is something that requires the active participation of both victim and perpetrator. The recipient of wrong-doing must consciously decide not to be a victim anymore. This requires a recognition of the resentment that exists in the wake of betrayal. Carrying around resentment does no good. It is like dragging a garbage bag of decaying food everywhere we go. It rots, smells and creates a health hazard. We have to put it down and dispose of it if we want the relationship to continue. We have the uncomfortable task of owning our part in the resentment. It is not easy to see that we have participated in a failing of trust when it is so obvious that the other person has committed the offense. The truth is, however, that there is always some part that we have played. Sometimes it is just that we hang on to the resentment but usually is more than that. Owning our part allows us to let go and move on. We can change our behavior but we mostly spin our wheels when we try to change others. Have we carried suspicions without openly confronting the problems? Have we been so eager to please that we ignored the truth? Do we tend to stick our head in the sand? Have I made it difficult to tell the truth in the relationship by promoting guilt and shame? Have I been judgmental and unapproachable? These are all questions that might lead us to owning our part in the situation. We have the opportunity to open up dialogue with the perpetrator, ask for forgiveness, offer forgiveness and make new vows of trust. We must also confirm that we will not accept the offensive behavior in the future. We will live in the present and put the past behind us but we will not be put in the situation again.
The perpetrator of betrayal has the burden of work to do in creating an environment of trust in a broken relationship. We must openly admit our transgression, ask forgiveness and to do what is necessary to make amends. Amends making is more than admitting our wrongs. It requires direct and sometimes long term action. Not only must we promise not to repeat the behavior but we must also make dramatic changes in the way that we operate. I struggled with alcoholism for the first four years of our marriage. My wife, Bonita, suffered through my lies, half truths and deceptions. She watched as I lived a double life and continually supported and loved me through it all. My offenses were many. When I finally sought treatment and achieved sobriety, Bonita was left with the baggage of betrayal. She had little reason to trust me and there was much work to do. She did her part. Mine was to make a vow to remain abstinent and to grow in recovery. I also made a promise to myself that I would treat her like a princess for the rest of my life. She would never have to do laundry again. I would cook and clean for her. I would remember to say 'I love you" and be a good listener. I would not argue and would present the positive side of my perspective at every turn. It has been almost twelve years and I'm still at it. I try to maintain trust by actively 'telling on myself' to the best of my ability if I have been dishonest or otherwise injurious. Apologizing when mistakes are made and correcting missteps immediately is important in keeping the trust. My amends making has helped to make a happy home for us. I cannot be more grateful. This ongoing attitude of gratitude is necessary if we are to be responsible for betrayal and breaking trust. We must be willing to do whatever it takes.
Trust may be fragile but it can also be mended. It takes everyone involved to do so. There is nothing more important than our relationships with family and friends. They endure far beyond all of the things that we think are so valuable.
