Don't Worry, Don't Hurry & Don't Hate

Roy Jones 90th Birthday surrounded by his family

Don’t Worry! Don’t Hurry! And Don’t Hate! These words have been touchstones for me throughout my life. I heard them first when I was a little boy from the lips of my grandfather, Roy H. Jones. Grand Dad was a man of the ages. He was born in 1875 (the year before both the birth his beloved Chicago Cubs and the Battle of The Little Bighorn or Custer’s Last Stand). His lifetime spanned almost 100 years. During that time Roy saw the world transformed from one in which he worked behind a horse drawn hay wagon at age eight to one in which humans walked on the moon when he was 94. Cars, Airplanes, Indoor Plumbing, Electric lights, World Wars and most everything else happened in between. Very few things remained the same (except perhaps the lovable losers at Wrigley Field). He affected the lives of many, many people. That motto, “Don’t Worry! Don’t Hurry! And Don’t Hate!” was what he lived by. It was his guiding principle, his ideal. It helped him live his life as a farmer, a teacher, a businessman, a husband, a parent (grandparent, great grandparent, great-great grandparent), and a community leader. It saw him through the Great Depression in which he lost his fortune, the death of his mother and father, wife, two children, the death of grandchildren and the murder of a grandchild as well as countless other heart aches. It was his guide in gaining riches, influence and political authority. He passed those words along in what he said and in what he did. Most of all, Don’t Worry! Don’t Hurry! And Don’t Hate!, was the mantra of sorts that led him to his spiritual center. It was the place that he went to for perspective. He was a deeply spiritual person. Roy attended church services at the Methodist Church in Monticello, Illinois all of his life. Admittedly, Sundays sometimes found him at his office with some of “the boys” playing a friendly game of poker or gin rummy. But his spirituality went way beyond the doors of the church. He was the most positive person I have ever met. He radiated love, compassion, confidence and a good natured sense of humor. The question that I have asked myself over and over was “How the hell did he do it?” The world can be a pretty tough place with a pretty tough crowd. How do you stay centered with all of the noise and turmoil and demands of our lives?

There never seems to be enough time. I believe that this problem of time plagues us today…perhaps more than any time in history. We seem to be victims of it, really. From our waking to our falling asleep we are in a kind of battle with time. Determined to win and destined to lose. There is either not enough of it or there is too much of it. It moves too slowly or quickly. Our competitive system demands that we not only succeed at something but that we are constantly accountable. Time is the marker by which we determine how well we are doing against these provisos. Many of us live our lives filled with the exceptional stress that accompanies such an existence. We feel that we are only present and surviving. When will there be time for me and for the ones that I love? Where is the fulfillment that I desire? What is the purpose of it all?

I have the daily experience of encountering people who carry cell phones and lap tops with them wherever they go. I must confess that, at times, I have been one of them. We stand in line at the market and hear cellular beeps everywhere. They are ringing and chiming in movies, at ball games, concerts and even at church. This is a recent encounter that I had: 

A solitary person sits at a table at his favorite restaurant pecking away at the computer. Abruptly, the cell phone goes off. “Hi Tom what’s up?” (He knows who it is already of course because of the caller ID feature). “I’m working on it right now, boss.” (He has probably already put in eleven hours at the office). “I can’t get on line at this restaurant. No WIFI.” (He listens for a minute as his entrée arrives). “Sure I can adjust to that deadline. I’ll head back to the office right now and finish it off tonight.” (He asks for a Doggie Bag and leaves).

Do we really have such a desire and need for security, money or power? I hope not. We are attempting to escape in the name of survival. We do not want to feel the unpleasant feelings of fear, loneliness, sadness, shame and frustration (among others). Our excessive use of alcohol and other drugs is an indicator of this truth. We are seeking comfort and relief. The alleviation that we are pursuing is attainable. We do not have to run away from the world and the culture in which we live. On the contrary! The goal is to say YES to life with all of its pain and all of its joy. In order to do this we must participate in it fully.

The stressors and difficulties that were just mentioned as well as the ability to say YES are, in fact, spiritual issues. The good news is that you already have the spiritual answers. You can achieve emotional and spiritual peace in an insecure world. There is a way to stop competing with time. There is a way to follow your own program for living. Even in the face of war and terrorism, a volatile economy and a worsening ecology we can live in harmony and serenity, live without worry and hate. We can be happy. We can stand to be vulnerable. We can find acceptance within ourselves and with our God. The rewards are immense. Just ask Roy Jones, “Don’t Worry! Don’t Hurry! And Don’t Hate!” Life is good!

Don't Hate

There is more than enough hatred to go around. It is manifested toward the situations in which we find ourselves and, much more critically, toward the people who have become our enemies. There are plenty of situations that make us feel uncomfortable. Hating them will not change how they affect us. The solution is to change our lives in ways that will eliminate aversive conditions. Staying in them will only make us more miserable and more likely to act out in aggressive ways toward ourselves and others. Hatred of people is trickier. We seem to be surrounded by suspicion, fear, anger and misunderstanding. These are the four horsemen of hate. It is not all that difficult to foster this destructive feeling. It never ends well.

Hatred of people will consume us. The process begins when we identify someone as ‘the other’. They are strange and different from us. Sooner than later they are the enemy. It is a nuclear time bomb that has a target of revenge. Once we have defined an enemy his ways are wrong and our ways are right. We are holy and he is an infidel. The sides have been picked and God is on ours. Ernest Hemingway wore a belt buckle that he removed from a dead Nazi soldier in 1944. On it were the German Eagle, a swastika and the inscription “Gott Mit Uns” which translates “God With Us”. Hatred comes when we find that we cannot tolerate the differences in a person or a people. There are only two solutions. One is to make them like us. The other is to destroy them. We have named them enemy and violence becomes morally justifiable. We no longer need to struggle with differences. Good, evil, right and wrong are clear. We are in control.

Hatred is often acquired early. It is taught unintentionally and sometimes intentionally to us as children by the adults in our lives. We learn to pre-judge based upon this programming. It is not always easy but hatred can also be processed and eliminated. Good emotional, spiritual and physical health cannot coexist with hatred. It will slowly eat away at our very essence. There is good reason to get rid of it. We will live longer and be happier. The folks at LIVESTRONG have created a good method for overcoming hatred. I have included it below. Steps to overcoming hatred:

Step 1: I first need to read "The Hatred Parable,'' then answer the questions regarding the story in my journal.

The Hatred Parable

There once was an alcoholic father and mother who had two lovely daughters. One daughter was bitter over the way her parents had treated her sister and her, so when she was 18 she left home to get a job and live in an apartment. The other daughter, who was 10 at the time, stayed home until she was 22. Then she married, and she and her husband moved into the house next to her parents.

The first daughter lived alone, and on her own but in her hometown for six years before she married. After she married, however, she moved far away from her parents. Unfortunately, this daughter married an alcoholic, and the marriage ended sadly after four years. The woman lived alone for years thereafter, filled with hatred toward her parents for ruining her life. She had not been prepared for marriage to a healthy person, and that's why she inadvertently sought out an alcoholic for a husband. She was also filled with hatred toward men. She felt that men held all the power and control and were content to treat women like slaves.

Several years after her divorce she was living alone 1,500 miles from her parents and sister. It had been 15 years since she left home. Her younger sister had been married for three years by this time and was still living with her husband next door to the parents. The older sister was dealing with her hatred toward both her parents and men. As part of her therapeutic work toward self-healing, she was to write two letters, one to her parents and the other to her younger sister.

The older sister wrote and told her parents that she forgave them for the past because she recognized that alcoholism was a disease that had prevented her parents from doing what would have been "ideal.'' She asked her parents to visit her in the big city so she could show them the side of her life hidden from them for the past 15 years.In the letter to her younger sister she wrote that she had been jealous of the approval and attention given to the younger daughter by the parents. She asked her sister how she could limit her potential by getting married so young. Didn't she know that being a slave to a man was no life for a woman? Wasn't she afraid that her husband would turn out like Dad? Didn't she feel that she deserved more out of life than being controlled by a man and winding up a nursemaid to Mom and Dad? The older sister asked her younger sister to come visit her in the big city to see the good life that was possible for a single woman.

Back home, the two letters were received, read and shared by the parents and the younger sister. They were confused by the double messages. The older daughter was saying on one hand, I've given up my hatred, but on the other hand her bitterness and hatred jumped off the page. How were they going to respond to the older daughter? What would be the right thing to say? They decided simply to ignore the letters, hoping that the older daughter would communicate a clearer idea of what she really wanted from them.

Questions:
A. Which sister is more like you?
B. What good did blaming her parents do for the older sister? What good did blaming her divorced husband do?
C. What are some possible reasons for the older sister's choice of husband?
D. What did it benefit the older sister to get out of the family's house?
E. What difference would it have made to this story if we knew both parents were recovered alcoholics at the time the letters were written?
F. What type of man did the younger sister probably marry? What role models did her mother and older sister offer her as a wife?
G. What feelings did the younger sister have about her older sister when she realized that she had been abandoned by her at 10 years of age? How did these feelings affect their relationship? How did these feelings affect her choice of spouse? How did these feelings affect her relationship with her parents?
H. How well did the older sister overcome her hatred as reflected in her letters? What was wrong? What still needed to be worked on? What was lacking in her letters?
I. How often do I think I've overcome my hatred until someone points out the inconsistency in my thinking, feelings or behavior?
J. What does this story tell me about overcoming my hatred?

Step 2: After reading the story and answering the questions, I need to identify the person or persons for whom I feel hatred. For each one I need to answer these questions in my journal:

A. I feel hatred for:
B. I hate this person because:
C. This person's behavior toward me resulted in:
D. How real are these events? When did they occur? Is this a perception, an assumption, or just imagined? If it is reality, continue to Step 3.

Step 3: Once I've identified an item of real hatred, I need to work at overcoming the hatred by answering the following questions about each hated person in my journal:

A. How well informed was this hated person about the effects of the hated action on me?
B. What did this person need to know in order to prevent affecting me negatively?
C. What blocked this person from knowing what would have been good for me?
D. What is my thinking like in dealing with this hated person? How rational is my thinking? What rational replacements do I need?

Step 4: I must perform anger work-out sessions for each hated person until I can let go of my hatred and forgive and forget.I need to forgive each person for hurting me. This will allow the release of my energy, get me unstuck and move me on toward health.

Step 5: If I am unable to release my hatred for a person, or group, I will return to Step 1 and begin again.

Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14654-overcoming-hatred/#ixzz0p8qUANV9 .

Let hatred go. Remember the secret to long life that was practiced by Roy H. Jones. He made it to 97 with good health and happiness. Don’t Worry, Don’t Hurry and Don’t Hate.