Wonderful Heroes



Heroes are not really in such short supply even though they are sometimes difficult to identify. We can find them right alongside the angels in our lives. There is no need for costumes and capes or super powers to rescue us. They save the day in small and sometimes large ways...just because it is the right thing to do. One of the great representations of this kind of hero can be seen over and over again during the Christmas season in the characterization of George Bailey in “It’s A Wonderful Life” by Frank Capra. As a boy, the selfless George Bailey saves his little brother’s life on an icy pond and later stops his boss, Mr. Gower, from accidentally poisoning a customer. He grows up and sacrifices his own plans and dreams to rescue his home town from the greedy clutches of Mr. Potter (who is as despicable as George is virtuous).

George Bailey is memorable for his good deeds but is unforgettable because he is so human and so accessible. George is as fragile and flawed as any of us. His brokenness makes him real and allows us to recognize heroism even in our own character. In the story, His Uncle Billy misplaces an $8,000 deposit by putting it right in the hands of Mr. Potter. Potter issues a warrant for George Bailey’s arrest in a show of power and need for revenge.

The seemingly unalterable approach of destructive consequences or outcomes in our lives causes feelings of fear to intensify beyond toleration. We sense everything as so far out of control that we can do nothing to stem their tide. George Bailey was in just such a predicament. His pending arrest and the subsequent scandal would not only confirm his secret negative self concept but would also ruin his wife, children and family. He tried to deal with the situation head-on but failed to get a solution. George believed that there was no way out. His feelings became more and more exaggerated. Hopelessness, shame, worthlessness and panic can cause people to do things that would otherwise be unthinkable. George Bailey decided to kill himself. The world would be better off had he never been born.

We all know what happened to George Bailey. His eccentric and somewhat simple little guardian angel shows up to stop the tragic plan. Ultimately George is given the opportunity to see just what the world would have looked like if he had not existed. His witness of the real impact of his good deeds and heroism provide a perspective of what is really important. He experiences an inner transformation that dispels self doubt, self loathing and inadequacy. The love, appreciation and warm regard for George Bailey by family and community are ignited in an effort to resolve the impending doom of his crisis. The outpouring of affection, prayer and divine intervention work of course. Everyone is changed including Clarence the angel who gets his wings.

We experience one of the profound lessons of “It’s A Wonderful Life” in a variety of ways (especially at Christmastime). Something incredible happens when we give deeply of ourselves without regard for personal comfort. Nothing will ever be the same. Our efforts to provide help to the helpless and hope to the hopeless will shine a light in the darkness that cannot be extinguished. Both hero and victim benefit equally. We are not given any information that would lead us to think that Mr. Potter is somehow transformed but I believe that he was. The ripple effects of goodness can create a tidal wave that will rock the world even of those who seem to have the most hardened of hearts.  Another important lesson of "It's A Wonderful Life" is the celebration of the selfless everyday-hero.  We are reminded that not only do we need heroes...and there are times when heroes need us...but also that each and every one of us is, in fact, a great hero.

Splendid Transformations

From "We're No Angels" (1955)

One of my favorite Christmas movies was out of circulation, or difficult to find, for quite a while.  It was remade in 1989 but failed to inspire or amuse in the way of the 1955 version with Humphrey Bogart.  A favorite line from that 1955 classic is "We'll cut their throats for a Christmas present", Bogie, a convicted forger, remarks laconically. "That might spoil one's belief in Santa Claus." He and his pals, Peter Ustinov and Aldo Ray do no such thing of course.  They soften and somehow are transformed into human angels who save the day for the family that they were going to scam.  This theme of transformation is universally appreciated.

Stories, books and movies about transformation are a hallmark of the holiday season. We are fascinated by the incorrigible criminal who has his heart slowly softened by the people and events that surround him. It is captivating to watch the miserly old recluse become generous and loving. There is nothing funnier or more endearing than the fish-out-of-water finding a place to call home in an environment that had been hostile and unwelcoming. We just love to witness these kinds of changes. They lift us up and give us hope. Perhaps there is something even more compelling.

Rosabeth Moss Kant once said, "A vision is not just a picture of what could be; it is an appeal to our better selves, a call to become something more." It is at the heart of our own journey in life that we would become the ideal person of our dreams. We would love to have a magic wand waved so that our character defects would become opportunities for improvement and then to overcome them in a grand transformation. There might not be a magic wand but there is an illumination to guide us. The love, generosity, kindness and compassion that emerge at Christmas have the power to change us. All we must do is to become willing.

Living The Questions

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” 

~ Rainer Maria Rilke (Letters to A Young Poet)

The spiritual concept of “living the questions” has been somewhat maligned by religious fundamentalists for the past several years.  It has been misunderstood as a modernistic, self centered approach that threatens the institutional Church.  The answers, it is said, are readily available in scripture and the teachings of those chosen to lead their congregations.  There is some truth to this.  Institutions always fear that which might challenge doctrine.  These kinds of challenges have historically created chaos which threatened the very foundations of religion.  Martin Luther’s confrontation, for example, set Christianity on a path that ultimately changed the way that people worshiped and fragmented the Church into many segments.  Living the questions sets us on a course of individual exploration.  It does not confine us to established doctrine.  It is important to remember, however, is that it does not discount or discard that doctrine either.

God gives us a grand invitation to be something new in the world. Living the questions is about following a path into the answers rather than accepting someone else’s solutions. When we live the questions in our conversations, we are in dialogue with the people around us. When we live the questions as a way of life, we are in dialogue with life, itself. When we live our questions, we are always discovering new answers to them. Perhaps we shouldn't even speak of "answers". Perhaps living a question, living an inquiry, is like living with a fruit tree that continually generates fruit for our nourishment. There is never anything final about any particular apple from an apple tree. More will follow. They don't answer, they just nourish. Ultimately, questions can take us deeper into the meaning of our lives.

There are questions that lie hidden in our hearts. We notice them living within us if we look at our past and present lives with care. Some have been with us for many years; some may be fresh and new. Some may excite us; others terrify us into keeping them hidden. How we can learn to live these questions creatively, so that they move us toward living into the answer? We begin by recognizing and honoring the questions that we are already living. This is difficult because living the questions can be uncomfortable. Ours is not a culture comfortable with ambiguity: we want certainty, a clear-cut solution; we want to know what's right and what's wrong. Questions are meant to have immediate answers, so those that don't lend themselves to obvious or convenient answers get hidden away.

Some of the most disturbing questions are those that we have been asking since we were quite young. Who am I? Where am I going? What does this all mean? There is substantial work to be done in following these. God asks us questions that are meant to lead us. Scripture offers us the first question from God to man: “And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day; and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden. And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, ‘Where art thou?’

Where are you? Are you where your body is? Or where your mind is? Are you living fully in the pain and frustrations of the present? Or are you daydreaming about some past that never really was? Or fantasizing about some future that never will be? Are you standing up to be counted? Or are you going along with the crowd? Are you accepting the cost of your freedom? Or are you hiding among the trees of the garden? “Where are you”, the first question from God to man. Questions are very valuable. Our culture rushes for answers, but no answer means anything until we have followed the question.

We are afraid of questions. We think questions make us seem stupid or incompetent. The questions actually are our entrances to larger life. Not what we already know but what we have yet to learn is our growing edge. The poet Rilke counsels us to learn to love our questions. I believe there is a loving God, that God loves me, and that God loves all human beings exactly as God loves me. Following the questions is about this very faith. Faith is not only the decision to risk; it is also the power to make that decision. It is the courage to be, to affirm yourself in the face of all that denies us.

Following the questions gives us an insight. It gives us the ability to say YES to ourselves when everyone seems to be shouting NO. It is also about being able to listen to that NO and hear what message it is sending from which we can profit. It takes a leap of faith toward a spiritual dimension. When we refuse to discount that NO but accept it as a component of our own path toward the answer, we are no longer bound by the model that set by those who are shouting NO. We will find the freedom to continue our search and point ourselves in the direction of God. We will be able to respond to God’s question “Where are you” with the answer “Here I am”. We will trust that if we move today by the finite and partial light that is given us that we will know more and different things tomorrow than we know today. We can be open to new possibilities that we cannot even imagine today.

The Beloved

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love,

where there is injury, pardon

where there is doubt, faith,

where there is despair, hope,

where there is darkness, light,

where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console,

not so much to be understood as to understand,

not so much to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

it is in dying that we awake to eternal life.

The life of Saint Francis is a model for our relationship with God. He gives us the exemplar of lover and beloved. Francis had a love affair with God.  His personal story teaches us that we each are called to be the beloved. We are the ones who are pursued by God throughout all of time and eternity. We are chosen by him and carry the mark of his unqualified, unconditional love. Why, then, are we continually struggling?  Why do we experience such sadness, lonliness, darkness and pain? 

The paradoxical nature of our lives can be better understood when we absorb the Saint Francis Prayer. Troubles and difficulties that plague us can begin to be understood as gifts that lead us...just as the prodigal son was lead…back home and into the loving embrace of God our father. We hear the words that were given to the resentful son: “I am with you always and everything I have is yours” (Luke 15: 11-32). The Prayer of Saint Francis tells us that it is in forgiving that we are forgiven, in loving that we are loved and in understanding that we are understood. In other words, God seeks us regardless of our situation. This love is the very basis of our identity.

The knowledge of our incredible identity can enable us to make better decisions and improve our relationships with loved ones and other people in our lives. It allows us to discard negative depictions that detractors might try to hang around our shoulders. We are able to understand that the perspectives of others are truly only opinions and are filtered through their limited experiences with us. The only clear vision of our identity is the one of God, the lover. If we can only grasp a small measure of this identity and this relationship we will begin to act unencumbered by negativity. All we have to do is to remember who we are.

Inner Peace

Our struggles, successes, failures and daily doings keep us occupied and often distracted from the real purpose of our being. We all seek an inner peace which will give us solace, rest and serenity. We long for the ramblings and ragings in our heads to quiet themselves yet continue to strive forward in search of some external goal that will bring us happiness. There never seems to be enough time. And that is the illusion that drives us. There is time if we decide to make it. All we have to do is make peace within a priority.

The difficulty we find in making time to do the work necessary for inner peace is just that.  Making time.  The difficulty in making peace a priority is similiar.  We don't make time or make peace a priority because there is an inner voice hidden deep in our minds that tells us that we are somehow not worthy of the effort.  Everything else is more important.  The result is a frantic lifestyle that causes inner and outer conflict, compromised physical health, regrets and resentments.  We can always take care of our aching selves later.  Maybe on vacation or when we retire.  The truth is that we need to start right now if we are ever to find peace.

Peace Pilgrim taught that there is a criterion by which we can judge whether the thoughts that we are thinking and the things that we are doing are right for us. The criterion is: Have they brought us inner peace? If they have not, there is something wrong with them…so keep seeking! If what we do has brought us inner peace, stay with what we believe is right. This is a key to finding the answers that we seek. We can make time every morning or every night to spend in quiet contemplation of our lives. We can choose to simplify. We can choose to love. We can choose peace within and peace with others.

Epiphany

Today is the celebration of Epiphany.  It is a time of wonder in which a new birth of the world envisioned by the Magi, named Caspar, Melchior, and Balthasar was manifested in their visit to Bethlehem.  They found the baby Jesus with his parents.  It is the end of the Christmas season.  The Roman Catholic Church blesses homes and churches by marking the initials of the Magi over their doors using the first letters of each of the Magi’s names, CMB.  These initials also connote the Latin phrase Christus mansionem benedicat, which means "may Christ bless the house".  The celebrations around the world are rich in tradition and vary from country to country.  Christmas decorations come down in most places and Three Kings Cake is eaten.  People dress as the wise men, there are parades and wonderful feasts.  The common thread among them is the realization that something wonderful has happened and is happening as forseen in a mutual vision by three people at the same time in different parts of the world more than two millennia ago.  They all had an epiphany.

There was a gathering of individuals at a meeting in our treatment center the other night.  The topic of the session was “a moment of clarity”.  Everyone in attendance had suffered serious, life threatening, addictions.  Their lives had been deteriorating for years and nothing seemed to stop the downward spiral that was taking them from their families, friends and everything that was important to them.  Then something incredible happened to each and every one in the group.  Everything changed.  There was one incredible moment of clarity that pointed them in a differenet direction.  Treatment options were explored and the journey of recovery began.  Nothing else would have changed the progression of the disease.  There was a sudden spiritual awakening that re-made their worlds.  They had an epiphany.

These magnificent sudden realizations allow us to find the missing piece of life’s puzzle.  We are given the opportunity to step back and somehow see the big picture.  Everything becomes clear.  Quantum leaps in science, literature, technology and religion have been made because of such moments.  We shout “I have found it!” and move on to use the epiphany as a point of reference for the rest of our lives.  We all have little epiphanies throughout our lives.  Some of us have earth shattering ones.  It is no matter whether they are big or small.  They have the power to transform us.  All we must do is be open to the moment and to be patient with the process.  God speaks to us when we are quiet.  Listen.

Don't Worry, Don't Hurry & Don't Hate

Roy Jones 90th Birthday surrounded by his family

Don’t Worry! Don’t Hurry! And Don’t Hate! These words have been touchstones for me throughout my life. I heard them first when I was a little boy from the lips of my grandfather, Roy H. Jones. Grand Dad was a man of the ages. He was born in 1875 (the year before both the birth his beloved Chicago Cubs and the Battle of The Little Bighorn or Custer’s Last Stand). His lifetime spanned almost 100 years. During that time Roy saw the world transformed from one in which he worked behind a horse drawn hay wagon at age eight to one in which humans walked on the moon when he was 94. Cars, Airplanes, Indoor Plumbing, Electric lights, World Wars and most everything else happened in between. Very few things remained the same (except perhaps the lovable losers at Wrigley Field). He affected the lives of many, many people. That motto, “Don’t Worry! Don’t Hurry! And Don’t Hate!” was what he lived by. It was his guiding principle, his ideal. It helped him live his life as a farmer, a teacher, a businessman, a husband, a parent (grandparent, great grandparent, great-great grandparent), and a community leader. It saw him through the Great Depression in which he lost his fortune, the death of his mother and father, wife, two children, the death of grandchildren and the murder of a grandchild as well as countless other heart aches. It was his guide in gaining riches, influence and political authority. He passed those words along in what he said and in what he did. Most of all, Don’t Worry! Don’t Hurry! And Don’t Hate!, was the mantra of sorts that led him to his spiritual center. It was the place that he went to for perspective. He was a deeply spiritual person. Roy attended church services at the Methodist Church in Monticello, Illinois all of his life. Admittedly, Sundays sometimes found him at his office with some of “the boys” playing a friendly game of poker or gin rummy. But his spirituality went way beyond the doors of the church. He was the most positive person I have ever met. He radiated love, compassion, confidence and a good natured sense of humor. The question that I have asked myself over and over was “How the hell did he do it?” The world can be a pretty tough place with a pretty tough crowd. How do you stay centered with all of the noise and turmoil and demands of our lives?

There never seems to be enough time. I believe that this problem of time plagues us today…perhaps more than any time in history. We seem to be victims of it, really. From our waking to our falling asleep we are in a kind of battle with time. Determined to win and destined to lose. There is either not enough of it or there is too much of it. It moves too slowly or quickly. Our competitive system demands that we not only succeed at something but that we are constantly accountable. Time is the marker by which we determine how well we are doing against these provisos. Many of us live our lives filled with the exceptional stress that accompanies such an existence. We feel that we are only present and surviving. When will there be time for me and for the ones that I love? Where is the fulfillment that I desire? What is the purpose of it all?

I have the daily experience of encountering people who carry cell phones and lap tops with them wherever they go. I must confess that, at times, I have been one of them. We stand in line at the market and hear cellular beeps everywhere. They are ringing and chiming in movies, at ball games, concerts and even at church. This is a recent encounter that I had: 

A solitary person sits at a table at his favorite restaurant pecking away at the computer. Abruptly, the cell phone goes off. “Hi Tom what’s up?” (He knows who it is already of course because of the caller ID feature). “I’m working on it right now, boss.” (He has probably already put in eleven hours at the office). “I can’t get on line at this restaurant. No WIFI.” (He listens for a minute as his entrée arrives). “Sure I can adjust to that deadline. I’ll head back to the office right now and finish it off tonight.” (He asks for a Doggie Bag and leaves).

Do we really have such a desire and need for security, money or power? I hope not. We are attempting to escape in the name of survival. We do not want to feel the unpleasant feelings of fear, loneliness, sadness, shame and frustration (among others). Our excessive use of alcohol and other drugs is an indicator of this truth. We are seeking comfort and relief. The alleviation that we are pursuing is attainable. We do not have to run away from the world and the culture in which we live. On the contrary! The goal is to say YES to life with all of its pain and all of its joy. In order to do this we must participate in it fully.

The stressors and difficulties that were just mentioned as well as the ability to say YES are, in fact, spiritual issues. The good news is that you already have the spiritual answers. You can achieve emotional and spiritual peace in an insecure world. There is a way to stop competing with time. There is a way to follow your own program for living. Even in the face of war and terrorism, a volatile economy and a worsening ecology we can live in harmony and serenity, live without worry and hate. We can be happy. We can stand to be vulnerable. We can find acceptance within ourselves and with our God. The rewards are immense. Just ask Roy Jones, “Don’t Worry! Don’t Hurry! And Don’t Hate!” Life is good!

Wounded Healers

Lighthouse at Hillsboro Inlet, Pompano Beach, Florida

It is impossible to go through life without suffering. Henri Nouwen once said that "When our wounds cease to be a source of shame and become a source of healing, we have become wounded healers.” We are scarred by losses, disappointments, cruelty and a variety of tragic experiences. The result can be as devastating as the wounding itself. We find ourselves closed off from each other, isolated in our pain or filled with resentment. Some of us turn to the numbing effects of drugs and alcohol for relief. Time does not heal. It is almost impossible to forget or to go on as if nothing happened.

We each have the ability to rise above the issues of pain and shame. There are many people who are testimonies of inspiration. Lance Armstrong, diagnosed with life threatening cancer, was determined to overcome it.  He continued to win cycling tournaments and is a tireless fundraiser for others with the disease through his LIVESTRONG foundation. Bill Wilson, a failed Wall Street broker, turned into a hopeless drunk.  He was inspired in his darkness and created Alcoholics Anonymous.  Millions around the world have been saved through his example.  These men, like so many people, became teachers who have empowered others to trust themselves to go beyond the pain. We call them wounded healers.

The wounded healer is a beacon of hope.  Those who suffer are able to see a flicker of light from the distant lighthouse.  The healer represents the possibility that things can actually work out.  Their willing hand, guidance and encouragement has meaning because of their common experience and solidarity with us.  The message becomes a clear one. If I can survive this...so can you.  A transformation takes place.

Suffering and illness do not have to define us in a negative way. Making the wound visible allows us to become a source of wisdom, healing power and an inspiration to others.

Examining Self

Monarch Free of His Chrysalis ~ Photo by Steve Magin

The season before Easter for Christians is intended to be one of self examination. Lives are transformed when people enter in to deep and sustained spiritual personal reflection. I am reminded of a man named John O'Donohue. He was a catholic priest from County Clare, Ireland. His poetry, prose and spirituality transcended the boundaries of his priesthood and he abandoned his vocation. This did not mean that the depth of his journey was diminished. On the contrary, it broadened. The painful self examination that led him to make this decision allowed him to contribute even more writings and books that continue to inspire after his death. The books Anam Cara, (Gaelic for "Soul Friend"; 1997) and Eternal Echoes (1998) are treasures that should be part of the library of any who search for meaning. I remember that he once said "If you attend to your self and seek to come into your own presence, you will find exactly the right rhythm for your own life." We are asked to enter in to this sometimes painful process that John experienced in order to live more fully.

I found myself in treatment for alcohol dependence back in 2000. The struggle with drinking had taken a great toll on my life. Despite the fact that I had long worked in the field of addiction and adolescent services, the facts of my own compulsion escaped me. I could help others with their problems but could not grasp my own. One of the counselors at Talbott Recovery Campus insisted that my primary responsibility was to take care of myself. I was to put everything else behind this directive including my children, wife, job and friends. I recoiled at the very suggestion. It seemed not only selfish but narcissistic. The truth became clear, however, that in order to live in service to others I would have to work on myself first. I would also have to continue to attend to me if I was to be useful in the future. There is no way to be effective externally if there is only a limited journey inward. I am not always happy with my findings. There is more on which to work.  There is more to explore. The fruit of this kind of search is the discovery of our true identity. We are all an integral part of the whole. We are all kin. We are the beloved. This information is all that we need to sustain ourselves for whatever life offers.

Following The Questions

Monarch Butterfly Chrysalis ~ Photo by Steve Magin

Our times have been filled with economic difficulty, violence and deep concerns about security. The author and spiritual mentor, Henri Nouwen once said that “We are tempted to grasp rapid solutions instead of inquiring about the validity of the questions.” The desire to find immediate answers and to act with impunity is overwhelming. We want an end to discomfort and worry and we want it now. Rushing to the quick fix, however, rarely provides lasting healing. We discover that promises for a better tomorrow, which are to be delivered in short order, empty and disappointing. We are left with even more worry and insecurity.

The questions that we formulate and ask contain the most important clues to our solutions. How can I find economic safety for myself and my family? How can I be secure without sacrificing my freedom? How can I put an end to the violence in my life which results from anger? It is our mission to follow these questions with deliberate action. We live out the action daily, one day at a time, until someday we find ourselves living a life that is free from the problems that seem so persistent.

We should also understand that the desperate need for answers will seldom be found in our own construct. We come to a growing awareness that God is in charge of the outcomes. All we have to do is the next right thing. Solutions or closure will unfold somewhere in between “already” and “not yet”. We must be patient and have faith.

Self Sacrifice

          Beginning a cacoon ~ Photo by Steve Magin

There is a way to transcend human existence and become our true selves. Most every religion and spiritual discipline asks that we shift our self focused journey and begin to look outward. We are asked to overlook ourselves in deference to the needs of others.

This is not a message that is easy to hear and even more difficult to act upon. Self sacrifice requires a change in the way that we conduct all of our affairs. We are uncomfortable when confronted with any change but even more so when it requires self sacrifice.  The adjustment that we make leads us from a mode of accumulation to one of generosity. It is a modification that allows for miracles in everyday life and worth every bit of our transformation.

We can begin a discipline of self sacrifice simply by beginning each morning with the attitude that this day, and everything in it, is a gift. This will allow us to understand that there is much for which to be grateful and that there is much to give in return. Our focus will shift. The thoughts of what I need will turn to the needs of our fellows.  We will become enabled to relieve pain and suffering that we might otherwise dismiss.  This is the way of spiritual enlightenment and self actualization.

On Becoming (Part 2)

Our truth, and the meaning of our lives is unfolding, being created and shaped, every day that we live.  We are not exactly the person that we were yesterday.  Everything that happens to us slightly alters our perspective and increases the wisdom that we have accumulated.  The human being is actually a human becoming.  This truth persisits even when we resist change and hang on to our beliefs, attitudes and routines with all of our might.  While life may for the most part be mundane and ordinary, there are explosive events far beyond our control.  Antoine de Saint Exupery wrote that "a single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us.  To live is to slowly be born."  We cannot stem the tide of changes in or around us.  Perhaps the secret lies in loosening our grip.

The first time that we get onto a ride at an amusement park can be pretty frightening. All we see in front of us is the unknown. We are strapped in a seat with an iron bar which locks into place. There is a surge of some kind and then it all starts. Most all of us hold on for dear life. The mixture of anticipation, fear and exhilaration are elating and exciting. Our adrenaline pumps and we feel incredibly alive. There are some riders who throw their hands up and seem to be really enjoying themselves. Next time, we vow, “I am going to try it without hanging on”.

The ride is always more fun when we let go. Our bodies move with the flow of the short trip and the experience is enhanced greatly. This is true of our lives as well. There are people who never loosen their grip. Each obstacle and turn is met with greater resistance until the hold that we have is as important as the journey itself. Little of the exhilaration and joy can be fully appreciated.

Letting go is about living life on life’s terms. This process of becoming will not cease.  The idea is to give up the fight and go with the flow. We can still make plans and have dreams but must fully understand that we are not in charge of the outcomes.  There will be a great surprise when we see who we have finally become when it is all said and done.

On Becoming

The good news of living life is that there is no absolute destination. The journey does not end with the events that we rush towards. We do not arrive at marriage, graduation, parenthood, a great job or retirement to remain there forever. Neither do we end with the death of our bodies. Everything continues to change, evolve and transform despite the desire that we have to stop and stay.

The brain that we are given has the notion that it is who we are. It is, in fact, merely an organ that is in charge of survival. The brain monitors everything that happens and orders responses based upon behaviors that have successfully gotten us through in the past. Its job is to maintain a physical and emotional balance for optimum longevity.

The earliest spiritual question that is asked by most people is “Who am I”. This great query does not beg an answer. It asks us to begin searching. Our culture counters the spiritual question with a material one. We are asked from the time that we are very young, "What do you want to do" and "What do you want to be" . Those questions have answers. They can be solved but do almost nothing to enlighten us. They set a path with a false sense of destination.

We are not a career choice with a retirement plan. Our true identity is a spirit and energy that comes from the source and returns to the source. We are eternal beings in process.  There is no real sense in looking toward an ending with answers.  The true adventure happens when we get on the ride and just let go.  Savor the experience, listen and learn.  We are all truly becoming.

Go For It

There are times in our lives when all the signs seem to be pointing us in a particular direction. Our thoughts and dreams are echoed in the songs and stories we hear and the media we see. The signposts seem to be everywhere. Walt Whitman experienced this in writing his famous Song of Myself when he said, "I know I am solid and sound, To me the converging objects of the universe perpetually flow, All are written to me, and I must get what the writing means." These rare times ask for us to assess our direction, pay attention, take stock and make decisions. Sometimes we just need to go for it!

Following external clues and using them to fulfill our dreams does not necessarily mean that we should throw caution to the wind. It does indicate that we need to focus, take stock and make decisions.  We have the opportunity to clear away the clutter and debris to provide a better look. We are empowered to make a positive shift and move forward. We can clearly see whether our current path is providing us the means for achieving our goals in life. We get to pull ourselves out of the sludge of the ordinary and climb toward the extraordinary. A sense of purpose, peace and happiness will flow in. Our new demeanor and attitude will actually attract like-minded people. Sometimes even the most unlikely angels arrive to help us along our way with the information and support we need.

Now is the time to take charge.  Now is the time to follow our dreams.

Being Lost

The experience of being lost is bewildering and often frightening. We find ourselves in an unfamiliar place without a good frame of reference. There is an overwhelming desire to get information and regain our bearings. Fear can intensify to such a point that even the directional cues such as the position of the sun are confusing. You wander so far off the path that you have no idea where you might be. The fear and disorientation turns into panic. We pray that someone will find us.

There is seldom a time that being lost is a pleasant experience for most of us. Some people, however, seem to relish the whole thing. My Uncle Bob and my Dad were two of those people. They loved to “take the scenic route” and were delighted when the adventure resulted in getting (what seemed to be) hopelessly lost. The announcement from the front seat of the car that we were veering off to the road less traveled was not usually well received. Highways become two lane roads which ultimately led to dirt roads in the country, one lane mountain byways and remote villages that no stranger had visited for several million years. These guys were undeterred by protests from helpless wives and children. Their enthusiasm only became greater as we dropped deeper into the abyss. Dad and Uncle Bob did not believe that there was any such thing as being lost. We always found our way back home or to our ultimate destination. We were never eaten by wild animals or froze and starved to death in our cars. They taught us a really valuable life lesson. Being lost is a state of mind. It is one that my cousins and I have assimilated pretty well.

There is so much to learn and so much to see. We can take the safe road and move from destination to destination if we want. The problem is that we miss all of the really great things that are off the beaten path. Life deals us plenty of blows. We are often windswept and thrown off course. We can choose to be lost and helpless or we can embrace the experience and dive into the excitement of the “scenic route”. I recommend this one that is just to the left and seems to go…let’s see…I thought I knew.

The Divine Mirror

The quest for understanding our own lives absolutely involves getting to know other people. We cannot develop true discernment without self exploration through the mirror offered by others. This has been called "the Divine Mirror". When looking deeply into it we see all of our beauty and blemishes. We see other people through the filter of self. We might even begin to glimpse the delight that is envisioned by the Creator of it all.

There is great wisdom in the old adage about walking a mile in the shoes of another person. We can never know the life-long effect of the trials and troubles endured by fellow human beings. All we get to see is the snapshot of the momentary encounters that we have. This never offers much depth of experience. We often offer knee jerk reactions and over-reactions in response to annoyances caused by such meetings. Sometimes the exchanges can be unpleasant and troubling.

We always have the opportunity to stop, hesitate and consider prior to taking action. Mentally holding up a mirror to envision our reactions will almost always elicit a different answer to encounters with people. We are able to see ourselves and our actions through the eyes of others. We take the opportunity to envision more than the behavior that is upsetting. A different person is revealed as we look more deeply than the present moment. My own practice is to see each person as a child. It is much harder to be judgmental with a nine year old than with an adult. Try taking the time to look more deeply. The experience will enhance and provide a better understanding of life.

What Makes Life Good?

I was asked by Steven, my terrific step-son, to write a short piece on "what makes life good" for a class that he is taking. Some of the things that I have included are restatements of previous entries. Still...I think they are worth remembering. I love the poem that is included. It was given to me by Alice Richards, a friend of the family. Alice was one of those people who really lived life with gusto. I will never forget her.

What are the things that make life good? My grandfather, Roy Jones, was one who seems to be able to grasp this better than most. He was saying “Life Is Good” as a motto long before it became a slogan. He was able to say it with conviction in the face of great happiness and extreme tragedy in his life. He lost everything that he owned in The Great Depression and lived to see his beloved wife die. A son committed suicide and a daughter struggled and succumbed to TB. A beautiful granddaughter was murdered. Still, he maintained his optimism and love of life. Still he said “Life Is Good!” It is hard for most of us to understand this. How does one maintain such a perspective? I think that it is a matter putting first things first. What really is important? An old man up in the mountains in North Carolina once said to me that he “never saw a U-Haul behind a hearse”. That is true, isn’t it? We put so much emphasis on financial success, the accumulation of possessions, influence and prestige. These, in the long run, mean absolutely nothing. When the scorecard is finally tallied, the only thing that matters is love. Did I love…and was I loved? Were there people who delighted in me and people in whom I was delighted? Did I laugh and celebrate with my loved ones? Did I take time to slow down and appreciate the beauty of everything around me? There was a great little poem called “I’d Pick More Daisies” by Nadine Stair (when she was 85). It goes like this:

If I had my life to live over,

I'd try to make more mistakes next time.

I would relax.

I would limber up.

I would be sillier than I have on this trip.

I would be crazier. I would be less hygienic.

I would take more chances,

I would take more trips.

I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers, and watch more sunsets.

I would burn more gasoline.

I would eat more ice cream and less beans.

I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly and sanely, hour after hour, day after day.

Oh, I have had my moments

And if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them.

In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments…one after another instead of living so many years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat, and a parachute.

If I had to do it over again,

I would go places and do things.

I'd travel lighter than I have.

If I had my life to live over,

I would start barefooted earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall.

I would play hooky more.

I wouldn't make such good grades except by accident.

I would ride on merry-go-rounds.

I'd pick more daisies!

My Dad said that the things we take so seriously today won’t mean a thing in a hundred years. So here’s what sounds good to me. How about a nice glass of wine at sunset on the beach...sitting next to my darling wife…..joined by a couple of great friends…..watching our kids or future grandkids playing in the surf…..flying kites…..with the sounds of some old melody coming from a band in the distance…..getting up to dance a slow one together! Now that’s good. Who loves ya baby?

Changing Attitudes & Latitudes

The news of the day has been filled with catastrophic economic forecasts, anguish and the predictable finger pointing on all sides. The years of work that I have done with kids and adults in trouble makes this mind set seem somehow normal. My clients are experiencing situations that have shaken their foundations and turned their lives upside down. The first thing that we try to adjust, after crisis intervention, is attitude and outlook. This is a realignment of self concept and perspective…and it is critical to change and empowerment.

Developing a positive perspective and positive thinking result in a demeanor that anticipates successful outcomes, happiness, joy, bliss and good health. It is important to visualize and verbalize the constructive and beneficial aspects of every situation. Picture the way that you want things to turn out and move forward as if it has already happened. This will remove roadblocks and negate the comments of those who might not support or appreciate your efforts. Put a positive spin on things by practicing affirmative self talk.

Examples of this might be saying things like:

• This is an opportunity to learn something new!
• There is a solution to every problem!
• I’m going to take a chance!
• There is another way to open up a channel of communications!
• Let’s look at this from a different angle!

Remember to stay away from self blame, avoid making things out as a disaster and that few things are black or white. The Zen Master said that the sky is blue regardless of what we see. He is right. Shades of grey and storms won’t last forever. Hidden behind the clouds is the blue sky. Mishaps and interruptions occasionally block the brilliance of our lives. But, like the rainy weather, will clear away so we can open up to a brighter horizon. I am living and working in Florida right now. It rains a lot…and just before it clears…there is frequently a rainbow. You can count on things getting better. It helps if you participate in the process.

Slow Down You Move Too Fast

“Those who dwell among the beauties and mysteries of the earth are never alone or weary of life” ~ Rachel Carson

We are fascinated by a little inch worm making his way along a twig, a frog sitting on a lily pad, the patterns of frost on the window when we are children. The beautiful details are everywhere and we lie on the front lawn and marvel at them. Clouds have shapes that turn in to Mickey Mouse. Birds all make different songs for us to imitate. We go inside and our parents ask “What have you been doing?” and we can’t even begin to tell them. Don’t they KNOW ?

The problem is that the adults have mostly forgotten. They are too busy with jobs and shopping…cooking and cleaning… being responsible for something or another…to slow down and appreciate the mysteries and miracles around them. They grew up and have taken the details for granted. They think that there is not enough time. A friend told me that she needs peace in her life. Peace is all around us. We only have to lie down on the front lawn to witness it’s awe.

How can I slow down and savor life today?

A Midsummer Dream of Celebration

Today marks the first day of summer…known as the summer solstice or Midsummer. It is a time of the celebration and the triumph of light over darkness. The sun is at it’s peak in the Northern Hemisphere. It is a time of picnics. My family would gather at these annual events and afterwards reminisce that loved ones “ came from far and wide with well filled baskets, and a good time was had by all”. Traditionally this is a time of life and love…in appreciation of the certainty of today. Shakespeare wrote “A Midsummer Nights Dream” with these famous lines:


"I know a bank whereon the
wild thyme blows,


Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows


Quite over-canopied with luscious woodbine,


With sweet musk-roses, and with eglantine:

There sleeps Titania some time of the night,
Lull’d in these flowers with dances and delight"


Have we forgotten the celebration of life amid the tragedy of war and fear of others…news stories that proclaim the insanity of the day? It is time to reclaim our Midsummer victory over night! One of my favorite visions from Hollywood is that of an elegantly dressed Rosalind Russell giving instructions to the timid Miss Gooch in the 1958 movie Auntie Mame. She is standing on the stairway and bellows “Live! That is the message! Live...Live...Live...Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death."

Let’s take today and cast out the darkness of gloom. Get a basket and fill it up. Grab up some friends and go for a drive to the park. Count your blessings and give thanks. Live…Live…Live!