Schemes and Gifts

There is a wonderful story told in a movie called “The Cheaters” in 1945. A wealthy family is having financial difficulty and hatches a plan to gain an inheritance for themselves by hoodwinking a long lost cousin who was the actual recipient. They also scheme to improve their reputation in the community by adopting a “lost man” and bring him to their house for the holidays. They find a news story of a washed-up actor who has attempted to commit suicide and bring him to their home. The actor proves far more than they bargained for and shows them some real truths about giving and living. He discovers the family inheritance plot and reveals the truth through an amazing recital of "A Christmas Carol". The story’s gift is received by the family and everyone is redeemed.

We go to great lengths to make things happen the way that we want. This is not about making simple plans.  It is the process of taking complete control and trying to force an outcome. People manipulate, maneuver and coerce one another in order to achieve their sometimes selfish desires. The result is almost never what was really wanted. Those who have been forced into doing things that they don’t want to do are never very happy participants. Everyone ends up disappointed.

How do we abstain from plotting, scheming and controlling?  The answer is to let go of the notion of outcomes all together.  Examine the motivation behind your wishes and desires, get honest about what you need, know that you are loved and release people from your grips.  There are gifts that will flow to us when we let go and let God.  It is a transforming experience.

On Becoming (Part 2)

Our truth, and the meaning of our lives is unfolding, being created and shaped, every day that we live.  We are not exactly the person that we were yesterday.  Everything that happens to us slightly alters our perspective and increases the wisdom that we have accumulated.  The human being is actually a human becoming.  This truth persisits even when we resist change and hang on to our beliefs, attitudes and routines with all of our might.  While life may for the most part be mundane and ordinary, there are explosive events far beyond our control.  Antoine de Saint Exupery wrote that "a single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us.  To live is to slowly be born."  We cannot stem the tide of changes in or around us.  Perhaps the secret lies in loosening our grip.

The first time that we get onto a ride at an amusement park can be pretty frightening. All we see in front of us is the unknown. We are strapped in a seat with an iron bar which locks into place. There is a surge of some kind and then it all starts. Most all of us hold on for dear life. The mixture of anticipation, fear and exhilaration are elating and exciting. Our adrenaline pumps and we feel incredibly alive. There are some riders who throw their hands up and seem to be really enjoying themselves. Next time, we vow, “I am going to try it without hanging on”.

The ride is always more fun when we let go. Our bodies move with the flow of the short trip and the experience is enhanced greatly. This is true of our lives as well. There are people who never loosen their grip. Each obstacle and turn is met with greater resistance until the hold that we have is as important as the journey itself. Little of the exhilaration and joy can be fully appreciated.

Letting go is about living life on life’s terms. This process of becoming will not cease.  The idea is to give up the fight and go with the flow. We can still make plans and have dreams but must fully understand that we are not in charge of the outcomes.  There will be a great surprise when we see who we have finally become when it is all said and done.

Forgiveness & Letting Go

Forgiveness is a part of the spiritual foundation of our lives. We become prisoners when there is an absence of it. Resentment and guilt creep into our daily rounds. Our emotional and physical health is affected. We cannot let go of the hurt and bitterness. Memory of the offense sometimes even intensifies our negative feelings. There is little room for compassion and joy until there is some kind of resolution.

It sometimes feels that it might be easier to cut a person who might have offended us out of our lives. Ending the relationship could relieve the burden of dealing with the pain. It can remove a person from our lives who makes it toxic. The problem is that without forgiveness, this measure will not really work for us. The resentment remains. We will not be free of the past and the sense that we are victims of wrongdoing until we relieve ourselves through forgiveness.

We must become ready to stop identifying ourselves with the suffering that was inflicted upon us. We are not condoning the actions of the person who caused the distress. We are giving ourselves the gift of liberation. We accept the fact of what has happened. We allow ourselves to feel and process our emotions. The baggage of resentment is removed. We are no longer sentenced to carry it. Powerlessness and anguished agonizing (my best friend calls it anguinizing) fade away. It is only then that we can begin to forgive ourselves and the mistakes that we have made become tolerable.

Forgiveness allows us to understand that suffering comes from suffering. Our compassion for those who have hurt and offended us will give us a clear new spiritual perspective.

An Advent Thought

It is "the most wonderful time of the year". Johnny Mathis reminded me of this with his traditional Christmas Carol on my way to work today. This is the season of Advent. The practice of observing Advent is one that is practiced by many Christians throughout the world. It is all about anticipation. It is about finding the gift in each day. What a good thing to remember as we rush to Christmas.

One day, an old friend from high school days called me on the phone. He was going through a difficult time and wondering if and when things would ever turn around and improve. I knew he was in a lot of pain. I didn't know then that he was considering suicide.

"You are in the helping profession," he said, "If you could give a person only one thing to help them...what would it be?"

I thought carefully about his question; then I replied, "It's not one thing. It's two: gratitude and letting go." Gratitude for everything, not just the things we consider good or a blessing. And letting go of everything we can't change.

A few years passed and my friend called me again. His life had turned around. Two very large problems he was facing at that time sorted themselves out. The actual process of facing and working on these problems helped him redirect the course of his life.

Someone once asked the artist Georgia O'Keeffe why her paintings magnified the size of small objects, like the petals on a flower making them appear larger than life, and reduced the size of large objects like mountains, making them smaller than life.

"Everyone sees the big things," she said. "But these smaller things are so beautiful and people might not notice them if I didn't emphasize them."

That's the way it is with gratitude and letting go. It's easy to see the problems in our lives. They're like mountains. But sometimes we overlook the smaller things; we don't notice how truly beautiful they are.

If you're going to make anything bigger than life, let it be the power and simplicity of these two tools: gratitude and letting go.

God, teach me to use gratitude and letting go to reduce the size of my problems.

Forgiveness: Freeing Oneself From Resentment

A wise man bestowed wisdom upon me back in 2000. I was wrestling with problems in my life that existed in my past but that were seriously affecting the way that I related to other people in the present. I respected him very much. My decision to ask for help, however, was postponed several times with a variety of excuses. Finally, I found myself sitting in front of his desk. I felt more like a 12 year old boy than a 49 year old man. My words spilled out for several minutes. He listened patiently. There, it was done. The barbs and foibles, miscues and mistakes, lies and disguises all summed up in a blubbering mass of emotion. His response was heartfelt and brief. He said “If you don’t forgive yourself, you have missed the whole point.” That was it. No lecture, no judgment, no pontificating over my dilemma, just those few words. I thanked him and took them back to my apartment. Nothing has really been the same ever since.

Dr. Doug Talbott’s words have guided me in my personal and professional relationships for almost seven years. They taught me to afford myself the opportunity to heal. I had to stop punishing myself for my mistakes and begin living gently and constructively in the present. I have learned that forgiveness is a key to happiness. I must offer it to everyone in order to be free from resentments. This letting go of resentment has proven to be a touchstone of life. I have learned that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to change the past. All I can do is learn from it. There is no point in holding grudges, bearing resentments or harboring ill will. All of those are heavy burdens that I (and only I) choose to carry. Their weight is too much for anyone to bear. Putting them down allows me to focus on the important mission of living well today. I can do the next right thing. I am never a victim. Life is good!