Memorial Day

Memorial Day, or Decoration Day, was a big deal with my family back in the 1950’s. It celebrated the memory of those who had given their lives for America. There were parades that led to the national cemetery, 21 gun salutes, speeches, readings of the Gettysburg Address, wearing little paper poppies sold by WWI veterans, and decorating graves. Flowers and flags adorned the final resting place not only of those who had served but of other members of our families as well. My mother always planted flowers in the urns at my little sister’s grave. We went to school from the day after Labor Day to the weekday before May 30. The significance of Memorial Day was never lost on kids. It was very important.

We learned about the importance of sacrifice as Memorial Day approached. Boys and girls would resume asking questions of their parents from The Greatest Generation. What did you do in the war Daddy? We were usually told little more than basics. They didn't want to scare us. We also asked about ancestors who might have actually served in The Civil War. There were stories to hear. I remember being proud that I had a 3x great grandfather and several great grand uncles who were union soldiers. One of my grandfather Joneses brothers was wounded at Gettysburg.  Ironically one of his mother's brothers (Daniel Reynolds) was a General for the Confederate Army. We were proud of him too.  Families were so divided.  There were actually pictures of some of them in full uniform. How cool was that?

Lawrence Dye (GAR)

We have lost the full impact of Memorial Day. Kids don’t have to recite “In Flanders Field” anymore. There are no leagues of men who don Lincoln beards and stove pipe hats going from school to school to present his famous speech. There are still flags placed at every grave in Arlington and the President pays his respects at the tomb of the unknown. It is the local flair that is diminished or gone entirely. For many it is just another Monday off and a nice long weekend.

General Daniel Reynolds (CSA)

Corp. William P. Jones (GAR)

For what were these men so willing to postpone their pursuit of happiness and even give up life itself? Certainly the foundations of our beliefs were at the core of their sacrifice. The Constitution, Bill of Rights and Declaration of Independence had been taught to them with great fervor by both teachers and parents. There were no short cuts when it came to memorizing and understanding their contents. They heard over-and-over again of all that had been surrendered by their forefathers to make the principles of liberty a reality. But there was more than that at stake. Our way of life was worth defending. The farms and hometowns, mothers and dads, brothers and sisters at home were precious and worth protecting with everything that they had to give. Abstract concepts, moral duty, and loved ones so dear were represented by their simple flag of stars and stripes. Nothing was more important. The horror and tragedy of war and scars that it left behind were all worth it. The possibility of death was worth it.  It is happening even today as our young men and women go off to the Middle East for us. These things we should always honor and remember. Every time we become willing to give up a freedom in deference to security we should remember. Every time we lose faith in our government and her elected representatives we should remember. Every time we see a flag flying at half mast we should remember.

I want to always remember.  So I am personalizing Memorial Day this year in old photographs. The first picture above is of Lawrence Dye, my 3x great grandfather. In the middle is Uncle Dan Reynolds followed by Uncle Will Jones (Gettysburg).  The ones below are of Ken Jones, my World War II Dad and of my Father-In-Law Roland Hallead. They are heroes that should not be forgotten.  Thanks for your service. You and your comrades are loved and remembered.

Kenneth R Jones

Roland L. Hallead

                       

Here is “In Flanders Field” the WWI poem by John McRae (1915). Let’s celebrate Memorial Day with great reverence this year.

In Flanders fields the poppies blow

Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly

Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead.

Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved,
and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Don't Hate

There is more than enough hatred to go around. It is manifested toward the situations in which we find ourselves and, much more critically, toward the people who have become our enemies. There are plenty of situations that make us feel uncomfortable. Hating them will not change how they affect us. The solution is to change our lives in ways that will eliminate aversive conditions. Staying in them will only make us more miserable and more likely to act out in aggressive ways toward ourselves and others. Hatred of people is trickier. We seem to be surrounded by suspicion, fear, anger and misunderstanding. These are the four horsemen of hate. It is not all that difficult to foster this destructive feeling. It never ends well.

Hatred of people will consume us. The process begins when we identify someone as ‘the other’. They are strange and different from us. Sooner than later they are the enemy. It is a nuclear time bomb that has a target of revenge. Once we have defined an enemy his ways are wrong and our ways are right. We are holy and he is an infidel. The sides have been picked and God is on ours. Ernest Hemingway wore a belt buckle that he removed from a dead Nazi soldier in 1944. On it were the German Eagle, a swastika and the inscription “Gott Mit Uns” which translates “God With Us”. Hatred comes when we find that we cannot tolerate the differences in a person or a people. There are only two solutions. One is to make them like us. The other is to destroy them. We have named them enemy and violence becomes morally justifiable. We no longer need to struggle with differences. Good, evil, right and wrong are clear. We are in control.

Hatred is often acquired early. It is taught unintentionally and sometimes intentionally to us as children by the adults in our lives. We learn to pre-judge based upon this programming. It is not always easy but hatred can also be processed and eliminated. Good emotional, spiritual and physical health cannot coexist with hatred. It will slowly eat away at our very essence. There is good reason to get rid of it. We will live longer and be happier. The folks at LIVESTRONG have created a good method for overcoming hatred. I have included it below. Steps to overcoming hatred:

Step 1: I first need to read "The Hatred Parable,'' then answer the questions regarding the story in my journal.

The Hatred Parable

There once was an alcoholic father and mother who had two lovely daughters. One daughter was bitter over the way her parents had treated her sister and her, so when she was 18 she left home to get a job and live in an apartment. The other daughter, who was 10 at the time, stayed home until she was 22. Then she married, and she and her husband moved into the house next to her parents.

The first daughter lived alone, and on her own but in her hometown for six years before she married. After she married, however, she moved far away from her parents. Unfortunately, this daughter married an alcoholic, and the marriage ended sadly after four years. The woman lived alone for years thereafter, filled with hatred toward her parents for ruining her life. She had not been prepared for marriage to a healthy person, and that's why she inadvertently sought out an alcoholic for a husband. She was also filled with hatred toward men. She felt that men held all the power and control and were content to treat women like slaves.

Several years after her divorce she was living alone 1,500 miles from her parents and sister. It had been 15 years since she left home. Her younger sister had been married for three years by this time and was still living with her husband next door to the parents. The older sister was dealing with her hatred toward both her parents and men. As part of her therapeutic work toward self-healing, she was to write two letters, one to her parents and the other to her younger sister.

The older sister wrote and told her parents that she forgave them for the past because she recognized that alcoholism was a disease that had prevented her parents from doing what would have been "ideal.'' She asked her parents to visit her in the big city so she could show them the side of her life hidden from them for the past 15 years.In the letter to her younger sister she wrote that she had been jealous of the approval and attention given to the younger daughter by the parents. She asked her sister how she could limit her potential by getting married so young. Didn't she know that being a slave to a man was no life for a woman? Wasn't she afraid that her husband would turn out like Dad? Didn't she feel that she deserved more out of life than being controlled by a man and winding up a nursemaid to Mom and Dad? The older sister asked her younger sister to come visit her in the big city to see the good life that was possible for a single woman.

Back home, the two letters were received, read and shared by the parents and the younger sister. They were confused by the double messages. The older daughter was saying on one hand, I've given up my hatred, but on the other hand her bitterness and hatred jumped off the page. How were they going to respond to the older daughter? What would be the right thing to say? They decided simply to ignore the letters, hoping that the older daughter would communicate a clearer idea of what she really wanted from them.

Questions:
A. Which sister is more like you?
B. What good did blaming her parents do for the older sister? What good did blaming her divorced husband do?
C. What are some possible reasons for the older sister's choice of husband?
D. What did it benefit the older sister to get out of the family's house?
E. What difference would it have made to this story if we knew both parents were recovered alcoholics at the time the letters were written?
F. What type of man did the younger sister probably marry? What role models did her mother and older sister offer her as a wife?
G. What feelings did the younger sister have about her older sister when she realized that she had been abandoned by her at 10 years of age? How did these feelings affect their relationship? How did these feelings affect her choice of spouse? How did these feelings affect her relationship with her parents?
H. How well did the older sister overcome her hatred as reflected in her letters? What was wrong? What still needed to be worked on? What was lacking in her letters?
I. How often do I think I've overcome my hatred until someone points out the inconsistency in my thinking, feelings or behavior?
J. What does this story tell me about overcoming my hatred?

Step 2: After reading the story and answering the questions, I need to identify the person or persons for whom I feel hatred. For each one I need to answer these questions in my journal:

A. I feel hatred for:
B. I hate this person because:
C. This person's behavior toward me resulted in:
D. How real are these events? When did they occur? Is this a perception, an assumption, or just imagined? If it is reality, continue to Step 3.

Step 3: Once I've identified an item of real hatred, I need to work at overcoming the hatred by answering the following questions about each hated person in my journal:

A. How well informed was this hated person about the effects of the hated action on me?
B. What did this person need to know in order to prevent affecting me negatively?
C. What blocked this person from knowing what would have been good for me?
D. What is my thinking like in dealing with this hated person? How rational is my thinking? What rational replacements do I need?

Step 4: I must perform anger work-out sessions for each hated person until I can let go of my hatred and forgive and forget.I need to forgive each person for hurting me. This will allow the release of my energy, get me unstuck and move me on toward health.

Step 5: If I am unable to release my hatred for a person, or group, I will return to Step 1 and begin again.

Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14654-overcoming-hatred/#ixzz0p8qUANV9 .

Let hatred go. Remember the secret to long life that was practiced by Roy H. Jones. He made it to 97 with good health and happiness. Don’t Worry, Don’t Hurry and Don’t Hate.

Don't Worry

There are so many things to worry about. We are barraged with alarming information every day that causes us to be concerned. Big things are always going on. There are terror attacks, wars, nuclear threat and natural disasters that come into our living rooms through newscasts as often as we want to tune into them. Vivid images of tragedy play out before our very eyes. Then there are personal worries. Our parents are getting older and forgetful. Our children seem to be at risk continually. Financial problems and difficulties at work keep us awake at night. There is just no getting around it. The problems of life and the things that we face are troubling. Worrying will do absolutely nothing to solve any of it. The more we worry the more we become emotionally, spiritually and even physically crippled.

It does not matter whether a situation is real or imagined. Nothing is ever gained by fretting over it. Clear thinking becomes clouded and decision making is hampered. We begin to develop a fight or flight response as the intensity of worry increases. We have to either get away or kick some butt to find relief. Other negative behaviors crop up around worry. Many people complain that they have fantasies of death or of being someone else, preoccupation with money and an escalation of drinking or other substance use. We still worry on despite the fact that it never accomplishes anything, that it causes irrational thinking and creates negative behaviors. We just cannot seem to stop. The more we try the worse it gets.

There are is a relatively simple technique that is helpful in eliminating, or at least easing, worry. It involves making a list of all of the issues that are causing us concern. Things always have way of shrinking in size when we write them down. The next step is to allow ourselves to worry later. Postponing worry by giving ourselves permission to do it in the future is a proven method for tricking the brain into believing that the thoughts which are consuming it will be dealt with when appropriate. It is a psychological technique that actually lets you forget the worry. It will break the continual habit of worrying and allow happiness in the moment. Once we have broken the cycle our worries will begin to diminish and resolve themselves.

Everything will work out one way or the other. We can do whatever is possible to resolve our problems and let go of that which is beyond us. Remember the serenity prayer. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” Don’t Worry...Be Happy!

Don't Hurry

There is no reason to hurry through life to reach those heights of achievement associated with the paths we have chosen. Everything seems to be rushed in our world today. We are far more attentive to the dramatic and intense experiences that present themselves than to the moments when nothing seems to be happening. We feel a need to cram as much into every moment as we possibly can. We actually compete with each other to demonstrate how busy we are. The busier we are the more important our position. Of course this is not the case. Enjoying and fully experiencing the journey of life is more important than getting to the top and conquering goals. There are lessons we can learn during the seemingly insignificant moments that cannot be taught at any other time.

Our lives are guided by natural rhythms that are unique to each of us. Soren Kierkegaard once said that “Most people pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it.” The truth is that life is a journey made up of processes that cannot be altered by force. Time is a great equalizer which sweeps away the importance of events that seemed to be so critical when we were engaged in them. Delight lives within our own hearts. We can't help but encounter delight in the small moments when we give them our unconditional attention.

It is important to remember that everything which happens in life will occur in its own time. There is no rush. We begin to connect with all that has gone unnoticed when we celebrate the ordinary moments in life. The secret is becoming patient enough to take pleasure in life’s unfolding.

Go For The Gusto!

We each have the unique opportunity to hold life in our hands with wonder and awe. The moment that we are experiencing right now is extraordinary, amazing and sacred. There are miracles happening all around us. It is estimated that the population of the world in May, 2010 was 6,821,200,000. Imagine the reality of six billion eight hundred million experiences of life all happening right now. Each of us has a different perspective of what is truly going on. Every possible human emotion and life event is occurring. There is joy, sorrow, ecstasy, despondence, war, peace, birth, marriage and death. It would take an eternity to fully understand this one single moment in time from the irreplaceable viewpoint of all of the people who are in it. Why, then, would any of us be so self centered to think that we have all of the answers? We cannot even comprehend the very second that we having right now. We do not know when, how or where we are going to die. We are given this gift of here and now to treasure. Only a grateful heart and a sense of appreciation should accept it. What is our plan to deal with these singular wild and precious moments?

We don’t want to end up simply having visited this world. It is only possible to live fully if we abandon all notions of superiority, self importance or great wisdom. Little children are much closer to the truth than adults. They do not claim to have the answers. Like them, we must walk through the door of the present with curiosity and wonder. Everything is filled with possibility. Everyone is here to have a part of it. It is wasted only if we are closed off and self absorbed. We are called to participate with some measure of enthusiasm. Give up the narrow viewpoint. Let go of the doomsday attitude. There are fields of flowers and amazing discoveries to be had. The fullness of time is available. There is nothing to stop us except self conceived limitations. George Bernard Shaw observed that many of us live life as a "feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy."  We have another chance right now.  Let’s go for the gusto!

Mothers

We do not get to choose our biological parents. They are chosen for us and, in turn, give us the unique combination of genetic codes and markers that make us the matchless human beings that we are. They raise us. This happens sometimes to our liking and often not. It is our nature to grow apart as we experience distinctive events, both large and small. Behaviors and behavior patterns emerge that become the hallmark of our daily survival. These are primarily shaped by praise and punishment of mothers. It is not that fathers are always absent or uninvolved. The mothers are just set up to nurture. We spend years breaking away.

The separation that occurs as we become more and more independent is a source of pride and pain for mothers. We experience joy, fear and exhilaration as we spread our wings often hurrying back to the protection of her loving arms. Finally the day comes and we are out on our own. The nest is empty for the most part and the mothers wait patiently for us to return. We really never do. We visit and sometimes even move back in for awhile. But the child is gone. A lifelong empty space is the mother’s burden.

I remember feeling that emptiness in my own mother. She had lived a life that had numerous losses and tragedies. Two wonderful husbands and two children were taken from her. All she had left was me. I tried to be attentive by stopping by frequently. She was deeply lonely in her last years despite my best efforts. Mom would brighten when I would come and our conversations were lively. She would watch me leave with sadness and her darkness would return. “Will I see you tomorrow?” she would ask. I would assure her that she would. Life was not heading in a good direction for me. Money was tight. Drinking was becoming a real problem. My marriage was fragile. She was doing everything she could to help me while I was attempting to help her. She died trying. My world continued to spin out of control for several years but eventually came together. I don’t think that she would have necessarily approved of my choices and decisions but things have worked out. I have been sober for ten years. I remarried after finding a terrific woman who is my friend and soul mate. I have relationships with two of my three children. My career is rewarding. Life is good.

I wish that Mom could have been spared the intensity of anguish in her life. I wish that I could have been a better son. That's the way that it is for most of us. We become orphans at some point. Finally there is no parent to correct our path and we yearn for mothering. We would love to hear the words of our childhood from mother who says “Don’t worry honey. Everything will be okay.” But the truth of that statement can still resound in our lives. They are bread for the journey. They offer a perspective that we can always tap. Thanks Mom. I know.