Betrayal

We certainly don’t like to talk or even to think about betrayal.  The concept is disturbing and the act seemingly unforgiveable.  Playwright Steven Dietz said: “One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope.” Yet, we have all been recipient of it.  In fact, we have all committed at least small betrayals even to those that we love the most.  How victimized we feel when betrayed.  How diligently we try to hide our betrayals.  There is anger and sadness on one side, shame and guilt on the other.  No other action draws such deep emotions.  We ask the pitiable question: “Why would they do this to me?”  And there is no answer to follow.  The one who betrays slinks into the night.

The greater the trust that one puts in another person, the greater the impact the betrayal has. The impact is always enormous. We feel as if we will never be able to trust anyone again.  How can we ever allow ourselves to become vulnerable in the future?  There comes an utter sense of helplessness.  Then the pain and passive sense of loss turns active. The presence of retaliation looms heavy.  This scene plays out as we mark Holy Thursday.  Jesus is betrayed by a kiss from his dear friend.  Confusion turns into violence as Peter draws his sword and cuts off the ear of a soldier.  But Jesus’ response is stunning.  He stops Peter and restores the soldier’s ear with his healing hand.  His action forgives his betrayers.

If it is true that we are both betrayed and betrayer, we must search for the common humanity that exists in both.  The confidences that have been compromised, the love that has been scorned and the trust that has been stolen beg for only one remedy.  That single antidote for the poison of betrayal is forgiveness.  Separation, isolation, resentment, woundedness, and rage can only destroy both victim and perpetrator.  Neither can continue to exist with any measure of real hope without forgiveness.  It may seem a bitter pill in many ways, but forgiveness is the vital medicine for healing betrayal.

I will begin to forgive those who have betrayed me and pray for forgiveness from those who I have betrayed.

The Value of Forgiveness

Courtney Jones with Nelle Jones Stensel

Forgiveness is a process of conversion. It does not ensure change in our enemy or the one who has harmed us in some way. People who have caused difficulty in our lives, pain, frustration and disappointment might have been expelled from our hearts. We become irritated at the thought of them and the wrongs that they have inflicted. Yet, the first thing that we are asked to do in our spiritual or religious disciplines is to pray for them. We are told to bring our enemies to the center of our hearts and become willing to make them part of our most sacred activity. It is a difficult thing to do. But it must be done in order to free ourselves from the bondage of resentment and hatred.

Nelle Jones Stensel was a deeply spiritual woman. She was the seventh of eight children born to a dynamic and active family. They were active in athletics, community projects and the Methodist church. The smallest of the group, Nelle was sometimes lost in the shuffle but always had the deep sense of being loved. Her adult life had tragedy and loss from which some people do not recover. Her oldest child had a bout with meningitis and was left with mental retardation and tendencies to angry outbursts. He was eventually institutionalized. Nellie’s second child was a beautiful girl who was filled with enthusiasm and grace. Elfrieda Stensel was murdered by her former fiancé just two days before her nineteenth birthday. The young man was sentenced to life in prison but paroled after only seven years. Nelle did not seek revenge nor did she bury resentment in her heart. She prayed for him and asked that he be forgiven. Most of the family was outraged when Nelle offered this man assistance upon his release from prison. Nelle was unaffected. Her faith told her that this was the right way to respond. Her gentleness and kindness effused bringing healing to even the deepest wound. It was from this aunt that I learned the abiding way of forgiveness. A heart can never harden when enemies are converted to brothers and sisters.

Who benefits most from forgiveness? Is it the one who has caused the problems and inflicted damage? Is it the community who bears witness to the wonder of absolution? Or, is it the one who offers the forgiveness in the first place? Perhaps everyone receives grace. The greatest gift, however, is granted to the one who forgives. It is a lifelong struggle, but the fruit of the effort is a kind of salvation. Hostility is replaced by acceptance. We find a new way of responding to our world by offering love in place of hatred. Our own hearts are freed. We begin to understand that we too are worthy of forgiveness whoever we are and whatever we might have done.

Forgiveness & Letting Go

Forgiveness is a part of the spiritual foundation of our lives. We become prisoners when there is an absence of it. Resentment and guilt creep into our daily rounds. Our emotional and physical health is affected. We cannot let go of the hurt and bitterness. Memory of the offense sometimes even intensifies our negative feelings. There is little room for compassion and joy until there is some kind of resolution.

It sometimes feels that it might be easier to cut a person who might have offended us out of our lives. Ending the relationship could relieve the burden of dealing with the pain. It can remove a person from our lives who makes it toxic. The problem is that without forgiveness, this measure will not really work for us. The resentment remains. We will not be free of the past and the sense that we are victims of wrongdoing until we relieve ourselves through forgiveness.

We must become ready to stop identifying ourselves with the suffering that was inflicted upon us. We are not condoning the actions of the person who caused the distress. We are giving ourselves the gift of liberation. We accept the fact of what has happened. We allow ourselves to feel and process our emotions. The baggage of resentment is removed. We are no longer sentenced to carry it. Powerlessness and anguished agonizing (my best friend calls it anguinizing) fade away. It is only then that we can begin to forgive ourselves and the mistakes that we have made become tolerable.

Forgiveness allows us to understand that suffering comes from suffering. Our compassion for those who have hurt and offended us will give us a clear new spiritual perspective.

Forgiveness: Freeing Oneself From Resentment

A wise man bestowed wisdom upon me back in 2000. I was wrestling with problems in my life that existed in my past but that were seriously affecting the way that I related to other people in the present. I respected him very much. My decision to ask for help, however, was postponed several times with a variety of excuses. Finally, I found myself sitting in front of his desk. I felt more like a 12 year old boy than a 49 year old man. My words spilled out for several minutes. He listened patiently. There, it was done. The barbs and foibles, miscues and mistakes, lies and disguises all summed up in a blubbering mass of emotion. His response was heartfelt and brief. He said “If you don’t forgive yourself, you have missed the whole point.” That was it. No lecture, no judgment, no pontificating over my dilemma, just those few words. I thanked him and took them back to my apartment. Nothing has really been the same ever since.

Dr. Doug Talbott’s words have guided me in my personal and professional relationships for almost seven years. They taught me to afford myself the opportunity to heal. I had to stop punishing myself for my mistakes and begin living gently and constructively in the present. I have learned that forgiveness is a key to happiness. I must offer it to everyone in order to be free from resentments. This letting go of resentment has proven to be a touchstone of life. I have learned that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to change the past. All I can do is learn from it. There is no point in holding grudges, bearing resentments or harboring ill will. All of those are heavy burdens that I (and only I) choose to carry. Their weight is too much for anyone to bear. Putting them down allows me to focus on the important mission of living well today. I can do the next right thing. I am never a victim. Life is good!