Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mothers

We do not get to choose our biological parents. They are chosen for us and, in turn, give us the unique combination of genetic codes and markers that make us the matchless human beings that we are. They raise us. This happens sometimes to our liking and often not. It is our nature to grow apart as we experience distinctive events, both large and small. Behaviors and behavior patterns emerge that become the hallmark of our daily survival. These are primarily shaped by praise and punishment of mothers. It is not that fathers are always absent or uninvolved. The mothers are just set up to nurture. We spend years breaking away.

The separation that occurs as we become more and more independent is a source of pride and pain for mothers. We experience joy, fear and exhilaration as we spread our wings often hurrying back to the protection of her loving arms. Finally the day comes and we are out on our own. The nest is empty for the most part and the mothers wait patiently for us to return. We really never do. We visit and sometimes even move back in for awhile. But the child is gone. A lifelong empty space is the mother’s burden.

I remember feeling that emptiness in my own mother. She had lived a life that had numerous losses and tragedies. Two wonderful husbands and two children were taken from her. All she had left was me. I tried to be attentive by stopping by frequently. She was deeply lonely in her last years despite my best efforts. Mom would brighten when I would come and our conversations were lively. She would watch me leave with sadness and her darkness would return. “Will I see you tomorrow?” she would ask. I would assure her that she would. Life was not heading in a good direction for me. Money was tight. Drinking was becoming a real problem. My marriage was fragile. She was doing everything she could to help me while I was attempting to help her. She died trying. My world continued to spin out of control for several years but eventually came together. I don’t think that she would have necessarily approved of my choices and decisions but things have worked out. I have been sober for ten years. I remarried after finding a terrific woman who is my friend and soul mate. I have relationships with two of my three children. My career is rewarding. Life is good.

I wish that Mom could have been spared the intensity of anguish in her life. I wish that I could have been a better son. That's the way that it is for most of us. We become orphans at some point. Finally there is no parent to correct our path and we yearn for mothering. We would love to hear the words of our childhood from mother who says “Don’t worry honey. Everything will be okay.” But the truth of that statement can still resound in our lives. They are bread for the journey. They offer a perspective that we can always tap. Thanks Mom. I know.