Don't Hate

There is more than enough hatred to go around. It is manifested toward the situations in which we find ourselves and, much more critically, toward the people who have become our enemies. There are plenty of situations that make us feel uncomfortable. Hating them will not change how they affect us. The solution is to change our lives in ways that will eliminate aversive conditions. Staying in them will only make us more miserable and more likely to act out in aggressive ways toward ourselves and others. Hatred of people is trickier. We seem to be surrounded by suspicion, fear, anger and misunderstanding. These are the four horsemen of hate. It is not all that difficult to foster this destructive feeling. It never ends well.

Hatred of people will consume us. The process begins when we identify someone as ‘the other’. They are strange and different from us. Sooner than later they are the enemy. It is a nuclear time bomb that has a target of revenge. Once we have defined an enemy his ways are wrong and our ways are right. We are holy and he is an infidel. The sides have been picked and God is on ours. Ernest Hemingway wore a belt buckle that he removed from a dead Nazi soldier in 1944. On it were the German Eagle, a swastika and the inscription “Gott Mit Uns” which translates “God With Us”. Hatred comes when we find that we cannot tolerate the differences in a person or a people. There are only two solutions. One is to make them like us. The other is to destroy them. We have named them enemy and violence becomes morally justifiable. We no longer need to struggle with differences. Good, evil, right and wrong are clear. We are in control.

Hatred is often acquired early. It is taught unintentionally and sometimes intentionally to us as children by the adults in our lives. We learn to pre-judge based upon this programming. It is not always easy but hatred can also be processed and eliminated. Good emotional, spiritual and physical health cannot coexist with hatred. It will slowly eat away at our very essence. There is good reason to get rid of it. We will live longer and be happier. The folks at LIVESTRONG have created a good method for overcoming hatred. I have included it below. Steps to overcoming hatred:

Step 1: I first need to read "The Hatred Parable,'' then answer the questions regarding the story in my journal.

The Hatred Parable

There once was an alcoholic father and mother who had two lovely daughters. One daughter was bitter over the way her parents had treated her sister and her, so when she was 18 she left home to get a job and live in an apartment. The other daughter, who was 10 at the time, stayed home until she was 22. Then she married, and she and her husband moved into the house next to her parents.

The first daughter lived alone, and on her own but in her hometown for six years before she married. After she married, however, she moved far away from her parents. Unfortunately, this daughter married an alcoholic, and the marriage ended sadly after four years. The woman lived alone for years thereafter, filled with hatred toward her parents for ruining her life. She had not been prepared for marriage to a healthy person, and that's why she inadvertently sought out an alcoholic for a husband. She was also filled with hatred toward men. She felt that men held all the power and control and were content to treat women like slaves.

Several years after her divorce she was living alone 1,500 miles from her parents and sister. It had been 15 years since she left home. Her younger sister had been married for three years by this time and was still living with her husband next door to the parents. The older sister was dealing with her hatred toward both her parents and men. As part of her therapeutic work toward self-healing, she was to write two letters, one to her parents and the other to her younger sister.

The older sister wrote and told her parents that she forgave them for the past because she recognized that alcoholism was a disease that had prevented her parents from doing what would have been "ideal.'' She asked her parents to visit her in the big city so she could show them the side of her life hidden from them for the past 15 years.In the letter to her younger sister she wrote that she had been jealous of the approval and attention given to the younger daughter by the parents. She asked her sister how she could limit her potential by getting married so young. Didn't she know that being a slave to a man was no life for a woman? Wasn't she afraid that her husband would turn out like Dad? Didn't she feel that she deserved more out of life than being controlled by a man and winding up a nursemaid to Mom and Dad? The older sister asked her younger sister to come visit her in the big city to see the good life that was possible for a single woman.

Back home, the two letters were received, read and shared by the parents and the younger sister. They were confused by the double messages. The older daughter was saying on one hand, I've given up my hatred, but on the other hand her bitterness and hatred jumped off the page. How were they going to respond to the older daughter? What would be the right thing to say? They decided simply to ignore the letters, hoping that the older daughter would communicate a clearer idea of what she really wanted from them.

Questions:
A. Which sister is more like you?
B. What good did blaming her parents do for the older sister? What good did blaming her divorced husband do?
C. What are some possible reasons for the older sister's choice of husband?
D. What did it benefit the older sister to get out of the family's house?
E. What difference would it have made to this story if we knew both parents were recovered alcoholics at the time the letters were written?
F. What type of man did the younger sister probably marry? What role models did her mother and older sister offer her as a wife?
G. What feelings did the younger sister have about her older sister when she realized that she had been abandoned by her at 10 years of age? How did these feelings affect their relationship? How did these feelings affect her choice of spouse? How did these feelings affect her relationship with her parents?
H. How well did the older sister overcome her hatred as reflected in her letters? What was wrong? What still needed to be worked on? What was lacking in her letters?
I. How often do I think I've overcome my hatred until someone points out the inconsistency in my thinking, feelings or behavior?
J. What does this story tell me about overcoming my hatred?

Step 2: After reading the story and answering the questions, I need to identify the person or persons for whom I feel hatred. For each one I need to answer these questions in my journal:

A. I feel hatred for:
B. I hate this person because:
C. This person's behavior toward me resulted in:
D. How real are these events? When did they occur? Is this a perception, an assumption, or just imagined? If it is reality, continue to Step 3.

Step 3: Once I've identified an item of real hatred, I need to work at overcoming the hatred by answering the following questions about each hated person in my journal:

A. How well informed was this hated person about the effects of the hated action on me?
B. What did this person need to know in order to prevent affecting me negatively?
C. What blocked this person from knowing what would have been good for me?
D. What is my thinking like in dealing with this hated person? How rational is my thinking? What rational replacements do I need?

Step 4: I must perform anger work-out sessions for each hated person until I can let go of my hatred and forgive and forget.I need to forgive each person for hurting me. This will allow the release of my energy, get me unstuck and move me on toward health.

Step 5: If I am unable to release my hatred for a person, or group, I will return to Step 1 and begin again.

Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14654-overcoming-hatred/#ixzz0p8qUANV9 .

Let hatred go. Remember the secret to long life that was practiced by Roy H. Jones. He made it to 97 with good health and happiness. Don’t Worry, Don’t Hurry and Don’t Hate.

Holy Thursday and Brokenness

The Savior of Zvenigorod

The Savior of Zvenigorod, an icon painted by Andrei Rublev sometime in the early fifteenth century, has been a great source of meditation for people over the centuries.  Henri Nouwen, the catholic scholar, priest, activist and author, wrote about it in his book "Behold the Beauty of the Lord" about twenty years ago.  He was moved by the depiction of Jesus because of his obvious brokenness and compassion. For Nouwen the facial expression became a profound spiritual experience.  The Saviour does not look severe, he doesn't judge, but sees everything.  Christ’s eyes seem to be directed at him.  He concludes that Christ’s tender and loving gaze penetrates the brokenness of humanity.

The icon is a powerful image for me as well.  Those eyes seem to be looking at that part in me which denies, and through that denial, betrays.  They look at me as they must have done with Peter on the night of his trial.  Three times he strongly declares that he does not know Jesus and is certainly not a follower.  The rooster crows and Peter looks over to see Jesus looking at him with those forgiving eyes.  Again and again I am forgiven.  Again and again I repeat my mistakes.  There is no judgement.  Only love and compassion.  Jesus suffers with me in solidarity.  Through this my weakness becomes my strength.  My brokenness becomes my path to healing and hope.

It is sometimes difficult to deal with that which has been broken. The proud, strong and invincible youth that we once were has stumbled. The idealism and dream that was clearly defined in our character and mind has dimmed or altered. Our hearts have been wrenched by losses and disappointments. There is no way to avoid these occasions of brokenness. Living life from day to day necessitates their occurrence.

Nouwen says "We are called to claim our unique brokenness, just as we have to claim our unique chosenness and our unique blessedness."  This should give us peace, hope and direction. Our brokenness is distinctive to each of us. It is through these experiences that we receive bread for the journey. We are like the reed which must be dried, hollowed out and carved in order to become a flute. Our music is played only through our brokenness. The one facet of our being that others can clearly relate to is that which has caused us pain. The one light that shines for others is our subsequent ability to live through it, make it to the other side, survive and then to thrive. Our brokenness can provide the lamp of hope for others. The healing eyes of The Savior of Zvenigorod urge us on.

Forgiveness & Letting Go

Forgiveness is a part of the spiritual foundation of our lives. We become prisoners when there is an absence of it. Resentment and guilt creep into our daily rounds. Our emotional and physical health is affected. We cannot let go of the hurt and bitterness. Memory of the offense sometimes even intensifies our negative feelings. There is little room for compassion and joy until there is some kind of resolution.

It sometimes feels that it might be easier to cut a person who might have offended us out of our lives. Ending the relationship could relieve the burden of dealing with the pain. It can remove a person from our lives who makes it toxic. The problem is that without forgiveness, this measure will not really work for us. The resentment remains. We will not be free of the past and the sense that we are victims of wrongdoing until we relieve ourselves through forgiveness.

We must become ready to stop identifying ourselves with the suffering that was inflicted upon us. We are not condoning the actions of the person who caused the distress. We are giving ourselves the gift of liberation. We accept the fact of what has happened. We allow ourselves to feel and process our emotions. The baggage of resentment is removed. We are no longer sentenced to carry it. Powerlessness and anguished agonizing (my best friend calls it anguinizing) fade away. It is only then that we can begin to forgive ourselves and the mistakes that we have made become tolerable.

Forgiveness allows us to understand that suffering comes from suffering. Our compassion for those who have hurt and offended us will give us a clear new spiritual perspective.

The Darkness of Pathless Places

One of the people that I serve in my addiction recovery center said “I have won all of my life. This is not supposed to happen to me at 56. I should be getting ready to retire and live the good life”. These words are so familiar to me. I uttered similar ones several years ago. I was 49 and my life was falling apart. I had been there before. How could this be? There are experiences that bring us to the place where we are lost…lost in pathless places without visible or invisible means of assistance. We are alone. Facing ourselves and afraid of what we might find. It is dark and we are baffled, confused and disoriented.

We have come to believe, in our modern culture, that this is an aberration. We think that we are somehow intended to start achieving when we begin school, lift off the ground when we graduate, and soar to greater and greater heights throughout our existence. It is the American Way. Never has there been a more mistaken perception. All of the religions, all of the mythology and all of the fairy tales are filled with stories that deal with the subject of the downward spiral. The familiar accounts of Moses, Muhammad, Buddha, Elijah and Jesus clearly tell the tale of being comfortable in a predictable life, being somehow drawn into the unfamiliar, struggling and dealing with the situation and then coming out the other side with a new message, ministry or epiphany. What had been is no more. The same is true in mythology and fairy tales. There is someone who becomes lost and eventually there are guides to help them find the way. The hero vanquishes the dragon or the foe and then lives a different life adventure that benefits humankind.

This is also the message of Holy Saturday. The fulfilling lives of Jesus followers have been torn away. Nothing is the same. Everything is ruined. They have gone into hiding and fear that they meet a horrible end. But out of that darkness and despair, grief and emptiness, come light and new life. This mystery is unfolding for each of us. At some point we are drawn to a place where we would rather not be. It may be brought on by stress, tragedy, illness, death of a loved one, or addictions. It may happen at 15 or at 60 but it will occur. We are called to find out who we really are, to struggle, to deal with it, and then to emerge as a new person with a broader and more compassionate vision. What had been excruciating becomes exhilarating. Nothing will ever be the same.