The Legacy of Love

It is Valentines Day 2010. My wife, Bonita, and I have plans to enjoy a brunch in Greenville, South Carolina at a favorite restaurant called High Cotton. Our celebrations are always warm and intimate. No fanfare for the most part. We live far from our relatives and children so it is usually just the two of us. We don’t require much (there is a bit of old fashioned Midwestern simplicity to us as we grow older). The love that we share is more than enough. It has been tested over the years, survived and flourished. There is rarely a day that goes by in which either of us takes it for granted. Love, in the final analysis is all that matters. It is all that endures. I have been blessed with one that will leave a legacy of forgiveness, patience, kindness and joy. My life will always resound with all that is my Bonita.

A woman wrote a historical piece which was published in a county history book about my grandfather’s sister, Miss Nelle Baum. Aunt Nelle was a person who lived much of her life in confinement with what must have been great physical suffering. An operation left her paralyzed in the prime of her life yet she radiated a quality of love and joy that lived long after her death in 1961 at age 75. She never married and left no great fortune behind. What she did was to endow her family, friends, caregivers and everyone she met with a feeling of specialness and unconditional love. She was dedicated to this from her days as a Sunday School superintendant at her Methodist Church in rural Illinois to her hospital bed in Danville. She inspired people to be gentle and compassionate. My Dad and I visited her almost every Sunday and she always acted as if we were the most important people in the world. There were always words about her faith in God. She was a deeply spiritual person. Even so, it amazed me when I re-read the article that this woman wrote about Aunt Nelle. She was not related to us at all. I never met her or heard of her. Yet, my great aunt left an indelible mark on her life. She wrote of her own difficulties and how this elderly invalid woman had given her strength and increased her devotion. This affirms my belief that true love endures and overcomes anything.

There is nothing that we carry away with us when we are done with this life. Our heartaches and troubles come to an end. Love is all that matters. With it anything is possible and everything is good. The legacy that it leaves is never-ending.

Tenderness

Nora Gibbs Baum, a study in tenderness

Acts of tenderness are never forgotten by those who have received them. It is a virtue that comes from a deep affection extended without qualification or expectation of return. Many of us experience this quality of tenderness in greatest measure from our grandparents. Their kind words and gentle lessons make us feel loved in ways that mothers and fathers cannot. Through them we are given a great example of thoughtful affection and our lives are blessed by the wisdom of tenderness.

Why then do we find tenderness in such short supply? It seems that this quality fades in the false illusion that it somehow transmits weakness. We live in an age when strength is equated with survival. We are on guard against those who would do us harm to such a degree that any show of weakness seems to make us vulnerable to a supposed enemy. The truth is that showing affection, compassion and warmth are actually character traits that can be most effectively given by the strong. It takes passion, self control and patience to be tender and gentle. Cruelty and violence are the vanguard of the weak and ignorant.

It is mutually beneficial to begin a practice of tenderness in all of our affairs. We will begin to notice a softening of attitudes around us. Our approach will be marked by openness rather than apprehension. People will begin to take more time listening and attending to us. The lives of others will have been touched with goodness, grace and love. What better gift can we ever give and receive?

Movement and Action

We are usually in a state of perpetual movement. Our many motions of getting up in the morning, showering, having breakfast and going about our business continue on and on throughout the day. This movement does not necessarily constitute action however.

Action is about real accomplishment. It is about doing things with a purpose and with passion. People in action make a difference. Transforming movement into action is not too difficult. It requires that we begin to view each activity as important and sacred. We can give vitality to the most simple and mundane things simply by paying attention as we do them.

The first step before entering into action is to remember who we are. We are the beloved who is created in the palm of God’s hand. We have been treasured from all of eternity and possess special gifts to share. This might be the first, last, or only time that we will be able to contribute to a situation. What can I bring to the table? How can I be more fully present? How can I add joy and compassion? We will be led into a more meaningful life.

These are the elements of action:

A ~ Acceptance. It is critical to accept that each of us is as important and blessed as the next. I am not better than or worse than anyone. The situation that presents itself has been waiting for all of eternity to unfold. Accepting these principles brings sacredness to everything.
C ~ Compassion. Act with enthusiasm but more importantly in solidarity. Understand that many people are suffering in ways that we cannot comprehend. Tread lightly and in communion with those around us.
T ~ Take Time. There is no hurry to complete an activity despite the pressure to do so. Make an extra effort to savor and appreciate the very moment that is being spent. Miracles are happening while we are unaware.
I ~ Involvement. It is important to be fully involved in what we are doing. This means that other stimuli cannot take our attention from the here and now. The things that might happen an hour from now or later in the day can steal our attention and diminish our real involvement. It is about being present.
O ~ Own Your Victories. Awareness of what we are doing allows us to celebrate and own the victories that are happening all of the time in our lives. We develop a gentleness with ourselves and others which diminishes judgment and negative perceptions.
N ~ No Negativity. A positive approach brought to any circumstance brings light and possibility. Negativity stops action and brings oppression. There is no permanent good that can come from the tyranny of negativity. We should avoid it like the plague.

We can become people of action by applying these principles. Our movements and routines will be enhanced. We will contribute beyond our perceived limitations. Our lives will be enriched.

Answers In The Snow

A single snowflake!
Photo Courtesy of SnowCrystals.com

The winter snow seems to be endless and everywhere by the first of February.  We are tired of scooping, scraping and being trapped inside.  Enough of the white stuff already!  My son, Steven, is one who never seems to be weary of it.  It's not like he is a little kid or someone who is inexperienced with all of the down sides of long winters.  He is an adult who was born and spent much of his early life in Michigan. He just delights in it.  One of his Facebook entries from last week proclaimed "Let It Snow, Let It Snow!"  The responses from friends and family were not so enthusiastic.  He reminds me that there is always something magical about snow.  It has elements of childhood, surprise and beauty that we should explore rather than shun.  Within each snowfall are thousands and thousands of unique snowflakes which serve to remind us of who we are. 

Our unique self, like a snowflake, will never be duplicated.  The evidence of this is everywhere.  Our DNA is comprised of markers that are arranged only for one person.  It never has been and never will be again.  Only you!  Even twins do not have the same DNA.  The combination of parents, grandparents and countless generations of ancestors each give us a gift of themselves in the pattern that becomes you.  It took thousands of years to come up with the design for each individual.  And here we are.  Our uniquess can be found in fingerprints.  Each time we touch something we leave a stamp of our existence behind.  We are here and we are one of a kind.  The mold has been broken.

We have an individual and divine purpose in our uniqueness. The odds of your random creation are so small that it is incomprehensible.  Wayne Dyer talks about the fact that a great wind sweeping through a garbage dump, gathering up all of the pieces and setting them down as a fully assembled Boeing 747 is more likely than the exclusive collection of cells and tissue that is you.  We matter simply because of this.  Our importance cannot be understated.  Some incredible love story of our creator has to be at work here.  Such a miracle as you can have no other explanation.

The answer to the questions 'Who Am I?' and "Where Am I going?' is this.  You are the beloved.  God's favor rests upon you.  You are on a one of a kind adventure that will never be duplicated.  Make the most of every bit of it.  Look at the snow.  Then all you have to do is remember.

On Becoming (Part 2)

Our truth, and the meaning of our lives is unfolding, being created and shaped, every day that we live.  We are not exactly the person that we were yesterday.  Everything that happens to us slightly alters our perspective and increases the wisdom that we have accumulated.  The human being is actually a human becoming.  This truth persisits even when we resist change and hang on to our beliefs, attitudes and routines with all of our might.  While life may for the most part be mundane and ordinary, there are explosive events far beyond our control.  Antoine de Saint Exupery wrote that "a single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us.  To live is to slowly be born."  We cannot stem the tide of changes in or around us.  Perhaps the secret lies in loosening our grip.

The first time that we get onto a ride at an amusement park can be pretty frightening. All we see in front of us is the unknown. We are strapped in a seat with an iron bar which locks into place. There is a surge of some kind and then it all starts. Most all of us hold on for dear life. The mixture of anticipation, fear and exhilaration are elating and exciting. Our adrenaline pumps and we feel incredibly alive. There are some riders who throw their hands up and seem to be really enjoying themselves. Next time, we vow, “I am going to try it without hanging on”.

The ride is always more fun when we let go. Our bodies move with the flow of the short trip and the experience is enhanced greatly. This is true of our lives as well. There are people who never loosen their grip. Each obstacle and turn is met with greater resistance until the hold that we have is as important as the journey itself. Little of the exhilaration and joy can be fully appreciated.

Letting go is about living life on life’s terms. This process of becoming will not cease.  The idea is to give up the fight and go with the flow. We can still make plans and have dreams but must fully understand that we are not in charge of the outcomes.  There will be a great surprise when we see who we have finally become when it is all said and done.

On Becoming

The good news of living life is that there is no absolute destination. The journey does not end with the events that we rush towards. We do not arrive at marriage, graduation, parenthood, a great job or retirement to remain there forever. Neither do we end with the death of our bodies. Everything continues to change, evolve and transform despite the desire that we have to stop and stay.

The brain that we are given has the notion that it is who we are. It is, in fact, merely an organ that is in charge of survival. The brain monitors everything that happens and orders responses based upon behaviors that have successfully gotten us through in the past. Its job is to maintain a physical and emotional balance for optimum longevity.

The earliest spiritual question that is asked by most people is “Who am I”. This great query does not beg an answer. It asks us to begin searching. Our culture counters the spiritual question with a material one. We are asked from the time that we are very young, "What do you want to do" and "What do you want to be" . Those questions have answers. They can be solved but do almost nothing to enlighten us. They set a path with a false sense of destination.

We are not a career choice with a retirement plan. Our true identity is a spirit and energy that comes from the source and returns to the source. We are eternal beings in process.  There is no real sense in looking toward an ending with answers.  The true adventure happens when we get on the ride and just let go.  Savor the experience, listen and learn.  We are all truly becoming.

Hospitality and Entertaining Angels Unawares

Hospitality is a practice and a spiritual concept. It is an underlying theme in cultures and religions. The people who are hospitable have many friends and treat everyone as if they were unique. Their extension of welcoming and openness make strangers feel like honored guests. There is a sense of humility, respect and celebration associated with them that is infectious. We not only enjoy being around them but feel valued, treasured and important in their presence.

There was a sign that hung in a little cottage that I rented in the North Carolina Mountains a couple of decades ago. It was a familiar verse from the scriptures that reads “Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.” It was displayed as a reminder to me that my visitors were special, and to them, that they were at home. The result was a change in the way that I not only treated, but felt about my guests. My cottage became a sort of refuge and sanctuary for some. People felt free to come. It was one of the significant and powerful times in my life. How did such a practice begin for me?

I had been a stranger to the area with no connections other than my work at a treatment center in town. I was recently divorced and sought a place to hide from my sadness and troubles. A group of the men who were coworkers gathered weekly to study Joseph Campbell, read poetry and do some drumming. They included me and I was more than happy to have the companionship despite some tentativeness about the content of their meetings. I soon began to look forward to getting together.  On one occasion we watched an interview of Joseph Campbell by Bill Moyers. Campbell discussed the fact that, in ancient India, hospitality was a form of worship and that in ancient Greece it was a custom. My revelation from this was that hospitality is more than being a good host at a party. Not that being a good host should be minimized, but there was a far deeper concept to explore. I began to search for references to the practice and found abundant information. Henri Nouwen explored it beautifully in his book “Reaching Out”. Almost everything that I read pointed to the fact that hospitality is transformative.

I began to ask people to my home. It was my intention to arrange the house as if it was anticipating company.  My table was always set as if there was a feast in waiting. A simmer pot of cinnamon sticks, cloves and nutmeg was usually on the stove. Specially selected music was playing softly in the background. The environment was inviting and welcoming. My underlying belief was, and is, that we are connected much more deeply that we can ever imagine. All of us are from the same source. Honoring the person who visits by listening, asking questions and being open to the answers are ways to acknowledge that sacredness in each other. Relationships and friendships form where they would have never taken root in other circumstances.

The result of entertaining angels unawares in the mountains of North Carolina was incredible. I was no longer a stranger in a very short time. I learned a life lesson that I continue to explore. We are not alone on this journey. We have only to extend and open ourselves to others. We are called in life to be the one who gives refuge and comfort, joy and friendship. Offering a physical, spiritual and emotional space in our lives for others is the essence of hospitality.