Bluebells For Grand Dad

Spring has come again, and with it the flood of new life and promise of beginnings.  This is a favorite time for many of us.  The extended Jones family is no exception.  We had an annual family reunion that brought us together from across the country in April.  It was a celebration of Roy H. Jones’ birthday but he never wanted it to be all about him.  He hoped that we would get together to celebrate each other as well, so we called it the April Birthday.

Grand Dad Jones was a popular man.  He was beloved by his family, treasured by his community and widely recognized as a friend well met, hale and hardy.  Part of Roy Jones’ legend was that he never said a negative thing about anyone.  He denied this to me once, admitting that he had made a disparaging comment about a woman who had demonstrated poor parenting decisions.  He called her in to his office and apologized, but felt badly about it years and years later.  Roy died two months prior to his 97^th birthday.  Despite his advanced age, the outpouring of sympathy was overwhelming.  We received letters from Senators.  Newspapers told his story and the funeral was well attended.  Perhaps the most beautiful tribute, however, came from his fifth child, Beulah.

Beulah Williams and her father, Roy Jones

Spring came six weeks after her father’s death.  He had lived with her for the last several years of his life.  Beulah was a good daughter who was devoted, kind, patient and loving.  Her home was empty without the presence of Roy.  One mild spring day, she drove her car out to Allerton Park in search of emerging bluebells.  The Virginia Bluebell thrives throughout Illinois.  It was Roy Jones very favorite and Allerton was a family gathering place for several April birthdays.  Beulah loved the place and was fond of spending hours soaking in the beauty of the park.  Somewhere in the shady parts of Allerton, she found some good plants to dig.  They were placed in a bucket and carried to the place where her father was buried.  That late Spring, and for many thereafter, bluebells flowered on my grandfather’s grave.  They were the best and most appropriate memorial for Roy Jones.  When all was said and done, he was a simple, beautiful man who was born, grew to adulthood, raised his family, lived and died within a few miles.  His legacy is one of compassion and grace.  He passed it on to his children.  Beulah Williams was not only a recipient of those qualities, but one who continued to model them for the rest of the family.

Thanks Aunt Beulah.  I planted bluebells for you and Grand Dad this Spring.  You both live on in our hearts and, hopefully, in the way that we treat other people every day.

Light Where There Is Darkness

We have the ability to choose our attitude even in the worst moments of life. This truth was affirmed by Viktor Frankl who suffered interment at Auschwitz and other concentration camps. He lost his wife and parents while a prisoner in these places yet he found that the ‘salvation of man is through love and in love’. Viktor reached this conclusion, in part, by experiencing other prisoners who would walk through the barracks giving up their last piece of bread and offering kind words and hope. This powerful testimony to love helped him survive that which was practically unsurvivable.  Dr. Frankl became a renowned psychiatrist and author of at least 32 books (among them "Man's Search For Meaning").

We are given sparkling little glimmers of unselfish love and grace in everyday life as well. My dear life-long friend lost his father this week. Harry Cox was a great guy.  He was a high school and college track star whose records still stand.  More importantly, he was delightful company with a ready laugh, humble heart and gracious spirit.  There was no long suffering illness that had preceded his death and it was certainly unexpected. I called his son, my friend Gary, to offer the comfort of our friendship and to connect with him in his time of need. It was not long into our conversation that Gary began to tell me stories about my own father and mother and how grateful he was for their love and kindness. He talked about how welcomed he felt in our home and how much this meant to him.  He recounted the powerful impact of their generosity.  I suddenly realized that this wonderful friend was actually consoling me. He was sharing the joys of our childhood and ministering with compassion even at his own hour of deep personal grief.

This choice of attitude is not an acquired behavior or ‘second nature’ but rather comes from a broken heart that remains unselfish and called to love. It demonstrates that brokenness is the common bond. It is from our brokenness that we can offer hope. Gary’s closing words on the phone to me were “You are a blessing.” May we all find ways to share such light in the darkness.

Restoring Trust

The theme this week at our treatment center in Upstate South Carolina recently has been "trust".  This is not the easiest point of conversation for those of us who have betrayed ourselves, the ones that we love and almost everyone else with whom we are connected.  Recovery from alcohol, drug and other addictions forces us to face the fact that many of our daily interactions were laced with half truths and lies.  We could not really be trusted, nor could we trust.  Sacred promises were broken as a matter of course.  Alcoholics and addicts do not, however, have a corner on trust issues.  We have all experienced betrayal and the erosion of faith and belief in someone or something that follows.

Broken promises, lies, theft and abuse (physical, emotional or sexual) are the most common offenses perpetrated by people that we love and admire which diminish or destroy trust.  The remnants of relationships that survive these transgressions are fragile, dysfunctional or badly broken.  We are no longer able to go about our daily activities without worry, resentment, fear, anger or sadness.  It seems that nothing will ever be the same.

Living with the burden of violated trust can be as destructive as the offense that caused the problem in the first place. Both victim and perpetrator feel like they are walking on eggshells and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Tension is in the air to one degree or another most all of the time. We are afraid to talk about it because the arguments never end well. So there exists an elephant in the living room that everyone unsuccessfully tries to ignore. We are never fully comfortable with each other. This kind of situation cannot continue and there is no reason to let it do so. We must either take specific steps to resolve the issue or end the relationship once and for all.

Resolving the issue is always the best idea except in cases of abuse. Those who resort to physical or sexual abuse cannot be given another opportunity to offend. It is too dangerous and the chances of resuming a healthy relationship are practically impossible. Emotional abuse can be just as harmful and destructive. The best idea is to get out and get away from people who hurt us in these ways. It is easier said than done but must be carried out none-the-less. Our obligation is to forgive ourselves for staying around as long as we did and separate from the situation as soon as possible.

Resolution of non-abusive broken trust is something that requires the active participation of both victim and perpetrator.  The recipient of wrong-doing must consciously decide not to be a victim anymore.  This requires a recognition of the resentment that exists in the wake of betrayal.  Carrying around resentment does no good.  It is like dragging a garbage bag of decaying food everywhere we go.  It rots, smells and creates a health hazard.  We have to put it down and dispose of it if we want the relationship to continue.  We have the uncomfortable task of owning our part in the resentment.  It is not easy to see that we have participated in a failing of trust when it is so obvious that the other person has committed the offense.  The truth is, however, that there is always some part that we have played.  Sometimes it is just that we hang on to the resentment but usually is more than that.  Owning our part allows us to let go and move on.  We can change our behavior but we mostly spin our wheels when we try to change others.  Have we carried suspicions without openly confronting the problems?  Have we been so eager to please that we ignored the truth?  Do we tend to stick our head in the sand?  Have I made it difficult to tell the truth in the relationship by promoting guilt and shame?  Have I been judgmental and unapproachable?  These are all questions that might lead us to owning our part in the situation.  We have the opportunity to open up dialogue with the perpetrator, ask for forgiveness, offer forgiveness and make new vows of trust.  We must also confirm that we will not accept the offensive behavior in the future.  We will live in the present and put the past behind us but we will not be put in the situation again.

The perpetrator of betrayal has the burden of work to do in creating an environment of trust in a broken relationship.  We must openly admit our transgression, ask forgiveness and to do what is necessary to make amends.  Amends making is more than admitting our wrongs.  It requires direct and sometimes long term action.  Not only must we promise not to repeat the behavior but we must also make dramatic changes in the way that we operate.  I struggled with alcoholism for the first four years of our marriage.  My wife, Bonita, suffered through my lies, half truths and deceptions.  She watched as I lived a double life and continually supported and loved me through it all.  My offenses were many.  When I finally sought treatment and achieved sobriety, Bonita was left with the baggage of betrayal.  She had little reason to trust me and there was much work to do.  She did her part.  Mine was to make a vow to remain abstinent and to grow in recovery.  I also made a promise to myself that I would treat her like a princess for the rest of my life.  She would never have to do laundry again.  I would cook and clean for her.  I would remember to say 'I love you" and be a good listener.  I would not argue and would present the positive side of my perspective at every turn.  It has been almost twelve years and I'm still at it.  I try to maintain trust by actively 'telling on myself' to the best of my ability if I have been dishonest or otherwise injurious. Apologizing when mistakes are made and correcting missteps immediately is important in keeping the trust. My amends making has helped to make a happy home for us.  I cannot be more grateful.  This ongoing attitude of gratitude is necessary if we are to be responsible for betrayal and breaking trust.  We must be willing to do whatever it takes.

Trust may be fragile but it can also be mended.  It takes everyone involved to do so.  There is nothing more important than our relationships with family and friends.  They endure far beyond all of the things that we think are so valuable.

An Epiphany

Christmas ends with Epiphany. There is a mystical “Ah Ha” moment associated with Epiphany and it tends to come from the darkness. Many (if not most) of us have reached some point in life where hope seemed to be lost. The experience is sometimes described as a kind of bottomless black hole. I’ve been there and myself and can testify that there is never enough uplifting news or celebration to lift you from that dark place. What it does take is a total shift in consciousness. When this happens, God and nature actually create order out of what appeared to be chaos. The struggle that I was engaged in was pointless. I awakened one night to the realization that the only thing that really mattered was love. This generated a phone call to my wife, Bonita, who had been waiting for my return to the living. We were reunited. My consciousness radically shifted and my life changed forever. It was the perception change I needed to have the courage to face my inner dragons.

It is love that provides light and overcomes the impossible. Only love will do. Riches, power and fame are transient and turn to dust. The comfort and security we seek cannot be found in any of these. It can only be found in love. Love endures even beyond our lifetime. Everything else is a footnote.

It seems that we are in some kind of wrestling match with life. There is this tremendous struggle to conquer and win. If we could begin to devote only a fraction of that effort and energy to loving God, our neighbor and ourselves it would change the world. Imagine instead of criticizing, picking out the negative and trying to control everything and everybody that we exercised the power of love by listening, empathizing and offering support. What a difference it would make! Outcomes and bottom lines would become irrelevant.

Today is the feast day of Epiphany. Let go of the worry, hurry and hate. Reflect the love that shines inside of you and be an instrument of that love regardless of your circumstances. This is the true awakening for which you have been waiting. Nothing else matters. So let go of control and let your love light shine. If you persist in it nothing will ever be the same.

Happy New Year 2012

May God give you...

For every storm, a rainbow,

For every tear, a smile,

For every care, a promise,

And a blessing in each trial.

For every problem life sends,

A faithful friend to share,

For every sigh, a sweet song,

And an answer for each prayer.

Our Best Resolution

A brand new year is coming! Many of us will celebrate with old traditions, friends and loved ones. Some of us will spend a quiet evening at home. Some of us will be alone. No matter how we mark the end of one year and greet the new one, it is customary to list the changes that we hope to make in the coming year. A New Year blessing that I heard once goes like this, “May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.”

It is true that we usually fall back into the same old habits not long after January 1st but our intentions are good. I think that some of the desire to do better and to be better comes from the selfless behavior that is generated during Christmas. We wish that we could continue to appreciate each other and extend ourselves as we have done for the weeks prior to the end of the year. There is a beautiful work of art shown above by the French baroque artist, Simon Vouet created in the seventeenth century. It depicts Love, Hope and Beauty overcoming Father Time. This is the victory that we long for as we make our resolutions. However, the seemingly relentless march of time catches us up with all of the duties and doings that occupy our every waking moment. Promises to change give way to busy schedules.

There is a story that I often tell which relates to this subject.  It goes like this:

The Devil has become concerned that there are not enough souls entering into his domain based upon calculations of population increase on Earth. He calls his three minions together and casts blame upon them for declining intake census. They are directed, one at a time, to go up to the land of the living and conduct some research that will turn the tide of souls in Hells favor. There is also a warning that accompanies The Devil’s command, “If your idea does not please me,” says Satan, “You will be reduced into eternal cinders by the power of my rod!” The first minion departs and returns shortly. He is asked for his findings and reports that “All we must do is spread the word that there is no God.” Lucifer becomes enraged. “No God! You fool! If there is no God there is no Me!” He points his dreaded staff at the minion and reduces him to ash. The second minion departs and spends quite a bit more time on Earth wandering about in fear of the consequences. He finally returns and has a slight air of confidence. He tells Satan, “All we must do is tell the people that the holy scriptures of all religions are lies and must be destroyed!” The Devil becomes even more infuriated. He screams, “You idiot! Destroy the scriptures? Have you not heard that the rocks and stones themselves will testify in the absence of The Word?” The quaking minion meets the same fate as his fellow. Satan turns to the third of his subordinates. He said “You better make this good!” The third minion spent a long time in his research on Earth. When he finally returned The Devil was waiting with his staff already prepared for destruction. The little minion raised his hand and, with a slight smile, told Satan this, “I have the answer my Lord. All we have to do is tell the people that they have PLENTY OF TIME.” Satin smiled, knowing that the problem had been solved.

We have this moment, here and now. It is our opportunity to not only make a resolution that will be meaningful, but one that will truly overcome Father Time. It is summed up in the wisdom and teachings of the ages. We should not discount it for what seems to be simplicity. For it is far from simple. The ultimate resolution is this. Love one another. After all is said and done; only love endures.

Wonderful Heroes



Heroes are not really in such short supply even though they are sometimes difficult to identify. We can find them right alongside the angels in our lives. There is no need for costumes and capes or super powers to rescue us. They save the day in small and sometimes large ways...just because it is the right thing to do. One of the great representations of this kind of hero can be seen over and over again during the Christmas season in the characterization of George Bailey in “It’s A Wonderful Life” by Frank Capra. As a boy, the selfless George Bailey saves his little brother’s life on an icy pond and later stops his boss, Mr. Gower, from accidentally poisoning a customer. He grows up and sacrifices his own plans and dreams to rescue his home town from the greedy clutches of Mr. Potter (who is as despicable as George is virtuous).

George Bailey is memorable for his good deeds but is unforgettable because he is so human and so accessible. George is as fragile and flawed as any of us. His brokenness makes him real and allows us to recognize heroism even in our own character. In the story, His Uncle Billy misplaces an $8,000 deposit by putting it right in the hands of Mr. Potter. Potter issues a warrant for George Bailey’s arrest in a show of power and need for revenge.

The seemingly unalterable approach of destructive consequences or outcomes in our lives causes feelings of fear to intensify beyond toleration. We sense everything as so far out of control that we can do nothing to stem their tide. George Bailey was in just such a predicament. His pending arrest and the subsequent scandal would not only confirm his secret negative self concept but would also ruin his wife, children and family. He tried to deal with the situation head-on but failed to get a solution. George believed that there was no way out. His feelings became more and more exaggerated. Hopelessness, shame, worthlessness and panic can cause people to do things that would otherwise be unthinkable. George Bailey decided to kill himself. The world would be better off had he never been born.

We all know what happened to George Bailey. His eccentric and somewhat simple little guardian angel shows up to stop the tragic plan. Ultimately George is given the opportunity to see just what the world would have looked like if he had not existed. His witness of the real impact of his good deeds and heroism provide a perspective of what is really important. He experiences an inner transformation that dispels self doubt, self loathing and inadequacy. The love, appreciation and warm regard for George Bailey by family and community are ignited in an effort to resolve the impending doom of his crisis. The outpouring of affection, prayer and divine intervention work of course. Everyone is changed including Clarence the angel who gets his wings.

We experience one of the profound lessons of “It’s A Wonderful Life” in a variety of ways (especially at Christmastime). Something incredible happens when we give deeply of ourselves without regard for personal comfort. Nothing will ever be the same. Our efforts to provide help to the helpless and hope to the hopeless will shine a light in the darkness that cannot be extinguished. Both hero and victim benefit equally. We are not given any information that would lead us to think that Mr. Potter is somehow transformed but I believe that he was. The ripple effects of goodness can create a tidal wave that will rock the world even of those who seem to have the most hardened of hearts.  Another important lesson of "It's A Wonderful Life" is the celebration of the selfless everyday-hero.  We are reminded that not only do we need heroes...and there are times when heroes need us...but also that each and every one of us is, in fact, a great hero.