A Sense of Humor

Uncle Milty with Lucy and Ricky (Now that's funny!)



Angels can fly because they take themselves so lightly.  This phrase is attributed to Gilbert Keith Chesterton.  He is obviously reminding us that we adults mostly engage in a somber approach to our daily lives.  We forget to appreciate the humor and fun that accompany us.  We do battle with our work, our finances and even our recreation, friends and families.  We take inventory at the end of the day of what we have accomplished. We examine our to-do lists as if we have to prove we are worthy of breathing air. One of the paradoxes of life is that by taking ourselves lightly, we are actually better able to frame ourselves and our work more seriously.  There seems to be an effort afoot to hide this great truth.  It is not unusual to see grim faced people working at our grocery stores, banks, retail businesses and churches.  They seem to be burdened with all of the great weight of the world.  This demeanor is so prevalent that anyone who greets us with cheerfulness is almost suspect.  What is happening to our collective sense of humor?

I work in a field of dire circumstances.  The people that I serve (and who serve me) are engaged in a life and death struggle between addiction and recovery.  Yesterday, I encountered a young man who embodies good humor.  He has suffered plenty of loss due to his addictive disease yet continues to find fun in life.  Tom sat across from me in my office and began to weave fun into our conversation.  "Can my dog benefit from buprenorphine?" he asked.  I was caught off guard and stammered out some line about dogs having similar pain receptors to humans and all mammals.  This was his opportunity to spin a tale of doggie pain due to a medical condition, a veterinarian who admonished him for titrating the poor little guy too quickly off of his pain medications and finally the pet's withdrawal symptoms.  Fido was sniffing at the medicine cabinet. Would Suboxone be an appropriate measure?  I finally got it and joined in the fun.  We talked in mock seriousness about Doggie-Anon and Pet Narcotics Anonymous.  It was just great.  Tom has not only embraced his own recovery but is having a good time with it.  He is taking himself lightly.

There is certainly a time to grieve.  There is also a time to celebrate and live life fully.  We need to take notice of all the beauty and riches that surround us.  We are not called to mourn our lives away but to give thanks, receive pleasure and be good to one another.  It is time to have a good laugh.  Let's break some of our adult habits and let loose with a joke.  It will do no harm.  Let's lighten up and fly with the angels.  By the way...we are starting a chapter of NAP (Narcotics Anonymous for Pets) in Greenville, SC.  Feel free to google us and bring your dog or cat to the next meeting.  But only if they have admitted that they are powerless. SERIOUSLY.

The Beloved

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love,

where there is injury, pardon

where there is doubt, faith,

where there is despair, hope,

where there is darkness, light,

where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console,

not so much to be understood as to understand,

not so much to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

it is in dying that we awake to eternal life.

The life of Saint Francis is a model for our relationship with God. He gives us the exemplar of lover and beloved. Francis had a love affair with God.  His personal story teaches us that we each are called to be the beloved. We are the ones who are pursued by God throughout all of time and eternity. We are chosen by him and carry the mark of his unqualified, unconditional love. Why, then, are we continually struggling?  Why do we experience such sadness, lonliness, darkness and pain? 

The paradoxical nature of our lives can be better understood when we absorb the Saint Francis Prayer. Troubles and difficulties that plague us can begin to be understood as gifts that lead us...just as the prodigal son was lead…back home and into the loving embrace of God our father. We hear the words that were given to the resentful son: “I am with you always and everything I have is yours” (Luke 15: 11-32). The Prayer of Saint Francis tells us that it is in forgiving that we are forgiven, in loving that we are loved and in understanding that we are understood. In other words, God seeks us regardless of our situation. This love is the very basis of our identity.

The knowledge of our incredible identity can enable us to make better decisions and improve our relationships with loved ones and other people in our lives. It allows us to discard negative depictions that detractors might try to hang around our shoulders. We are able to understand that the perspectives of others are truly only opinions and are filtered through their limited experiences with us. The only clear vision of our identity is the one of God, the lover. If we can only grasp a small measure of this identity and this relationship we will begin to act unencumbered by negativity. All we have to do is to remember who we are.

Inner Peace

Our struggles, successes, failures and daily doings keep us occupied and often distracted from the real purpose of our being. We all seek an inner peace which will give us solace, rest and serenity. We long for the ramblings and ragings in our heads to quiet themselves yet continue to strive forward in search of some external goal that will bring us happiness. There never seems to be enough time. And that is the illusion that drives us. There is time if we decide to make it. All we have to do is make peace within a priority.

The difficulty we find in making time to do the work necessary for inner peace is just that.  Making time.  The difficulty in making peace a priority is similiar.  We don't make time or make peace a priority because there is an inner voice hidden deep in our minds that tells us that we are somehow not worthy of the effort.  Everything else is more important.  The result is a frantic lifestyle that causes inner and outer conflict, compromised physical health, regrets and resentments.  We can always take care of our aching selves later.  Maybe on vacation or when we retire.  The truth is that we need to start right now if we are ever to find peace.

Peace Pilgrim taught that there is a criterion by which we can judge whether the thoughts that we are thinking and the things that we are doing are right for us. The criterion is: Have they brought us inner peace? If they have not, there is something wrong with them…so keep seeking! If what we do has brought us inner peace, stay with what we believe is right. This is a key to finding the answers that we seek. We can make time every morning or every night to spend in quiet contemplation of our lives. We can choose to simplify. We can choose to love. We can choose peace within and peace with others.

Slow Down

The busyness of life often rushes us past all of the miraculous things that are happening all aroun us.  We rush from activity to activity, from crisis to crisis and fall, exhausted into our beds to gather enough energy to do it all again the next day. We are so consumed with the goings-on around us that slowing down and looking inward requires a determined act of will. Like the constant thirst of a desert traveler, greed consumes us, stealing our attention away from the graces of life. When we continually want more, we find ourselves noticing what is missing rather than savoring the deep enjoyment of contentment. Contentment, unlike greed, helps us live fully. We become aware by seeing, tasting, hearing, smelling, feeling the God-given gifts that are right in front of us. When greed severs us from contentment, our soul withers from a lack of grateful awareness.

How can we accomplish this? The first discipline is to live attentively. The Buddhists call this mindfulness. All it means is to be aware of life. Hear the silence of the snow. Feel the cracks in the earth. Look into one another’s eyes. Pay attention to every single moment and that moment alone. Feel it. We will take it into our bones and let it transform us.  The second discipline is to learn to let go. We can begin to simplify life. Simplify possessions, thoughts, desires, and our expectations. When we can let go, our arms are open and ready to receive all the good things God longs to give us.

Epiphany

Today is the celebration of Epiphany.  It is a time of wonder in which a new birth of the world envisioned by the Magi, named Caspar, Melchior, and Balthasar was manifested in their visit to Bethlehem.  They found the baby Jesus with his parents.  It is the end of the Christmas season.  The Roman Catholic Church blesses homes and churches by marking the initials of the Magi over their doors using the first letters of each of the Magi’s names, CMB.  These initials also connote the Latin phrase Christus mansionem benedicat, which means "may Christ bless the house".  The celebrations around the world are rich in tradition and vary from country to country.  Christmas decorations come down in most places and Three Kings Cake is eaten.  People dress as the wise men, there are parades and wonderful feasts.  The common thread among them is the realization that something wonderful has happened and is happening as forseen in a mutual vision by three people at the same time in different parts of the world more than two millennia ago.  They all had an epiphany.

There was a gathering of individuals at a meeting in our treatment center the other night.  The topic of the session was “a moment of clarity”.  Everyone in attendance had suffered serious, life threatening, addictions.  Their lives had been deteriorating for years and nothing seemed to stop the downward spiral that was taking them from their families, friends and everything that was important to them.  Then something incredible happened to each and every one in the group.  Everything changed.  There was one incredible moment of clarity that pointed them in a differenet direction.  Treatment options were explored and the journey of recovery began.  Nothing else would have changed the progression of the disease.  There was a sudden spiritual awakening that re-made their worlds.  They had an epiphany.

These magnificent sudden realizations allow us to find the missing piece of life’s puzzle.  We are given the opportunity to step back and somehow see the big picture.  Everything becomes clear.  Quantum leaps in science, literature, technology and religion have been made because of such moments.  We shout “I have found it!” and move on to use the epiphany as a point of reference for the rest of our lives.  We all have little epiphanies throughout our lives.  Some of us have earth shattering ones.  It is no matter whether they are big or small.  They have the power to transform us.  All we must do is be open to the moment and to be patient with the process.  God speaks to us when we are quiet.  Listen.

New Year Reconciliation

Rembrandt's Prodigal Son

Many of us have a tradition of making resolutions for the New Year.  We give some thought to how we would like to improve ourselves and create a better coming year.  This is certainly one of the best customs that we follow.  It is true that many of the promises fade into oblivion prior to the Spring Thaw but some of them do not.  We really do put an effort into changing.  What a wonderful transformation might occur if one of those resolutions was to begin engaging in the process of reconciliation with those people that we have wronged or who have harmed us.  The weight of resentment would be lifted from our shoulders.  Our world would be made over with the clouds of bitterness dispelled.

Reconciliation is very different from forgiveness.  Forgiveness means letting go of the offenses that have caused us pain and suffering.  It means releasing thoughts of revenge and retribution.  We do not need an apology from the person who has harmed us.  Forgiveness is first and foremost for the forgiver.  The other person may never know what you have done.  Your heart is unburdened by the past that is unchangeable.

Reconciliation is a commitment to the future. This process, unlike forgiveness, cannot happen unilaterally.  It means actually returning to some degree of friendliness between parties.  A mutual trust has to be reestablished. The first step to reconciliation requires that we accept our own part in the wrongdoing.  We cannot be reconciled if we hold ourselves completely innocent.  We have to establish that each person is responsible for their own actions and that all of us have a right to our feelings and perceptions.  We must commit to ethical standards that enable us to trust that we won’t be hurt in the future.

Genuine reconciliation cannot solely be based on a desire for harmony. It requires a mutual commitment. There are four ethical principles which are indispensable foundations for meaningful reconciliation.

1.  First do no harm

2.  Everyone deserves respect

3.  We have a responsibility to put ourselves in the shoes of the other person

4.  We are always responsible for our own actions

Forgiveness alone isn’t enough to make reconciliation possible. It’s only possible when both parties in the dispute have the willingness, maturity, integrity, and honesty that are essential to the process. Forgiveness is never impossible even in cases where there is no chance for reconciliation. May this new year be one in which we all attempt to engage in amends making, forgiveness and reconciliation.

The Christmas Boxes

I really love Christmas. There is nothing else in the calendar that makes me so happy. My head and heart are full of stories that are rich with traditions, family and friends. It is difficult to imagine that there is anyone who has been blessed any more than I. There has always been abundant love easily accessed for me. Despite my failings and shortcomings most of the people in my life have hung in there and supported me. I am so thankful.

One of the warm Christmas memories that I have comes from 1992. I had been living in the mountains of North Carolina near Brevard for almost two years and had just moved into an A Frame home near Lake Toxaway. My good friend, Michael Sessom, had been staying with me. He was quite a spiritual teacher and guide. The move took place in November and it was obvious that the house would lend itself nicely to holiday decorations. Michael called it a Christmas House. The steep two story ceiling would accommodate a huge tree but buying one that tall would be impossible. Friends of mine from Madison County, Steve Magin and Boone and Kathy McFalls came to the rescue. They chopped down a gigantic pine and hauled it down to the house for Thanksgiving. A wood frame had to be constructed just to hold it. Hours of planning, building, pulling and yanking finally resulted in success. The living room was filled with the magnificent tree. Michael spend days putting balls and ornaments on it. He made dozens of “God Eyes” and other things to hang. It took lots and lots of lights as well. The finished Christmas tree was impressive to say the least but the few presents underneath looked a bit paltry. This led Michael to make a decision that would change the way that I would look at presents for the rest of my life.

We were admiring the tree after work at Bridgeway Treatment Center one chilly December night. Michael was disappointed in the emptiness underneath and made a terrific suggestion. “Let’s wrap up the moving boxes like Christmas presents.” He said. “You take half of the boxes and I will take the other half. Then we will write a Christmas memory and put it in the box. On Christmas Eve we can open them and share our memories.” I agreed and we went about the job for the next several days. The big, gaily wrapped boxes looked stunning around the tree. It was perfect. The Christmas Eve opening was actually moved to the day before. I was headed up to Illinois to be with my daughters. There was never a more emotional or deeply moving present exchange that I can remember. Each box contained such joy and happiness. Some of the memories had sadnesses but all of them reflected the great riches and love that we had experienced in our lives. The meaning of Christmas went far beyond the material things that year and has traveled with me ever since.

We are all loved more than we will ever know. Merry, Merry Christmas to you!