New Year Reconciliation

Rembrandt's Prodigal Son

Many of us have a tradition of making resolutions for the New Year.  We give some thought to how we would like to improve ourselves and create a better coming year.  This is certainly one of the best customs that we follow.  It is true that many of the promises fade into oblivion prior to the Spring Thaw but some of them do not.  We really do put an effort into changing.  What a wonderful transformation might occur if one of those resolutions was to begin engaging in the process of reconciliation with those people that we have wronged or who have harmed us.  The weight of resentment would be lifted from our shoulders.  Our world would be made over with the clouds of bitterness dispelled.

Reconciliation is very different from forgiveness.  Forgiveness means letting go of the offenses that have caused us pain and suffering.  It means releasing thoughts of revenge and retribution.  We do not need an apology from the person who has harmed us.  Forgiveness is first and foremost for the forgiver.  The other person may never know what you have done.  Your heart is unburdened by the past that is unchangeable.

Reconciliation is a commitment to the future. This process, unlike forgiveness, cannot happen unilaterally.  It means actually returning to some degree of friendliness between parties.  A mutual trust has to be reestablished. The first step to reconciliation requires that we accept our own part in the wrongdoing.  We cannot be reconciled if we hold ourselves completely innocent.  We have to establish that each person is responsible for their own actions and that all of us have a right to our feelings and perceptions.  We must commit to ethical standards that enable us to trust that we won’t be hurt in the future.

Genuine reconciliation cannot solely be based on a desire for harmony. It requires a mutual commitment. There are four ethical principles which are indispensable foundations for meaningful reconciliation.

1.  First do no harm

2.  Everyone deserves respect

3.  We have a responsibility to put ourselves in the shoes of the other person

4.  We are always responsible for our own actions

Forgiveness alone isn’t enough to make reconciliation possible. It’s only possible when both parties in the dispute have the willingness, maturity, integrity, and honesty that are essential to the process. Forgiveness is never impossible even in cases where there is no chance for reconciliation. May this new year be one in which we all attempt to engage in amends making, forgiveness and reconciliation.